


Thank You, And I'm Sorry

by THJSE_13



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers - Freeform, Avengers live in Stark Tower, Black Widow - Freeform, Bruce Banner - Freeform, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Captain America - Freeform, Hulk - Freeform, Human Vision (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Iron Man 2, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Jim Rhodes - Freeform, Kidnapped, Marvel Cinematic Universe - Freeform, Natasha Romanoff - Freeform, Peter Parker - Freeform, Peter has changed, Protective Tony Stark, Rescue, Spider-Man - Freeform, This is gonna be good, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Wanda Maximoff - Freeform, Whump, Worried Tony Stark, falcon - Freeform, mcu - Freeform, sam wilson - Freeform, steve rogers - Freeform, war machine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-06-26 18:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 29,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15669117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/THJSE_13/pseuds/THJSE_13
Summary: When the Avengers go to take over a secret HYDRA base well outside of New York, they don't expect to find a former member of their team trapped within its walls...one they thought to be dead.-this is gonna be good, I promise-lots of Tony/Peter-swearing/probably graphic stuff-whump :)





	1. Chapter 1

  **"is it you?"**

* * *

 

 

Gunfire, screaming, and explosions.

That was all Tony could hear as he fought off the army of heavily armed soldiers rushing towards him. He was so far into the compound and the soldiers just kept coming and coming. He only hoped the rest of the team was okay in the other parts of the building as he blasted the men and sent them flying to the other side of the room he was in. And, just like he suspected, another wave appeared at the end of the long hallway.

 _How many are there?_ Tony thought as he punched and kicked and fought them off. This was taking much longer than he thought, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep everything in control by himself for much longer. He couldn't even remember how to get back to the others. This base was a maze of hallways and doors and large rooms, each one looking like the previous one. Tony cursed at himself for going alone and separating the team into groups. If he knew this compound was so well-equipped with men and weapons, he wouldn't have led everyone here, much less split them apart.

 _"Guys,"_ Clint said, bringing Tony out of his thoughts. _"I'm starting to rethink coming here."_

"Are you okay?" Tony asked.

_"Yeah, Nat, Sam, Rhodes and I are fine, but there is a ridiculous amount of soldiers and the rooms and hallways are endless. Hell, I can't even tell which way's the exit anymore."_

"Yeah, me neither. I have myself stuck in some big room with a bunch of tables and the soldiers just keep pouring in." He paused to kick back an approaching man with a two-handed assault rifle. "Vision, Wanda, Bucky, how are you doing?"

 _"Good enough. No major injuries,"_ Bucky answered. A loud clang was heard from his communicator. _"Yeah, we're doing fine."_

"Steve, Bruce?"

_Great, but Clint's right, there's a lot of men. But Bruce and I have cleared Section Four, so we're heading towards you."_

_"Tony, what the hell did FRIDAY send you here for?"_ Rhodes asked. _"Why this_ stupid c _ompound in particular?"_

"I have no idea. She detected something in here, something familiar."

_"What does that mean?"_

Tony started to answer when an ear-splitting sound erupted in his right ear and a force sent him flying into the wall. He collapsed on a pile of rubble as smoke concealed everything around him. Tony started coughing as some of it entered his suit. He groaned when he moved to get up, his head pounding and ears ringing. His vision was blurred and his friends' voices sounded like echoes. When he could hear somewhat properly again, he responded to the team's calls.

"I-I'm alright. I'm fine...I think. I need assistance, Sector Six," Tony said, standing up. He could see bursts of orange in the smoke; fire.

 _"On my way,"_ Steve said.

 _"What...the hell...happened?"_ Natasha asked, saying the sentence as she battled a soldier.

"Some kind of explosion, I don't know." Tony looked behind him and saw that the blast opened a wide room with doors lining the walls.

 _Wonderful, more rooms,_ Tony thought with a sigh.

Suddenly, the same deafening sound and forceful blast sent Tony back, though it was not as hard as the first one. Tony understood now. It was a soldier with an RPG. Before Tony could move to find the man and kill him, he faintly made out Steve body-checking and tackling him. There were thumps and clangs and groans until finally, silence. Then, a blurry Steve came into view in front of him.

"You okay?" he asked Tony, hitting a skinny soldier in the head with his shield. He helped Tony to his feet. Tony wobbled on the spot as he regained his senses once more.

"Yeah. Thank you." He flew up and did a quick search of the room. The smoke was clearing now and he could see the bloody bodies that littered the ground and the rubble and dust that covered the rest.

"Okay, let's go back," Steve said, moving towards the hallway. Tony stopped him. "What is it?"

"Those rooms." Tony turned around and pointed to the hole that the explosion created. "Just in case." Steve nodded and they both went through the hole.

There were 10 doors lined up against the wall. Tony started on the left while Steve checked the other side. They found that all of the rooms were the exact same-a gurney with a metal cart filled with tools and bottles and other medical equipment beside it, and blank screens and dead computers against the back wall.

"What does HYDRA need all these rooms for?"

"Probably torture or experimentation. I'm willing to bet every room in this compound is the exact same."

 _"Jolly,"_ Clint muttered.

The last room, however, held a surprise. As soon as Steve opened it, bullets whizzed past them and people started talking and yelling. Steve raised his shield to protect himself and Tony backed away. The two were a little shocked but quickly recovered and engaged. Tony flew into the doorway and scanned the people before shooting. There were seven of them, but they weren't soldiers, which was what Tony expected them to be. Instead of armour and helmets, they wore white lab coats and masks over their faces. They were scientists, doctors.

"Cap, they're not armed except for one at the very front. I'll handle him while you knock out the rest of them." Tony entered, ignoring the bullets bouncing off his suit, and punched the armed man in the side of his head. Steve took care of the other six, leaving them lying on the floor, unconscious.

"I wonder what they were-"

 _"Steve, Tony!"_ Natasha suddenly cried, interrupting Steve.

The man pressed the device in his ear and replied, "What? What happened?"

_"We need you guys here! Reinforcements are here and we could use the extra help!"_

"Right, we're coming." Steve jumped out of the room and sprinted to the exit. Tony started following him when something caught his eye. The room's gurney was pressed against the far wall, where the computers were. But what made Tony freeze in his tracks was the fact that someone was lying on it.

The person was a male. He was wearing sweatpants but had a bare torso, which was covered in cuts and bruises and blood, dried and fresh. His arms and legs were strapped down, preventing him from moving. Tony scrunched up his face at the sight of it all. What concerned him further was that a bag covered the person's face, concealing his identity.

Tony wasn't sure what to think. He came to the conclusion that this was probably some poor guy HYDRA experimented on or tortured, and he happened to be here when the Avengers attacked.

"Tony, are you coming?" Steve yelled from somewhere outside of the room.

"Yeah, you go ahead. I'll catch up with you in a moment." Steve huffed and ran off to help the team.

Tony knew he should have gone with him, but he was curious to see who the person was. He knew it wouldn't matter, but he just wanted to see.

So, Tony pulled off the bag, and the second he laid his eyes on the face, he gasped and stumbled back against the wall.

_No._

_It can't be._

_There is absolutely no way._

_It's not him..._

_I hit my head, I'm hallucinating._

_That can't be him._

_It's not._

_IT CAN'T!_

_But it is..._

Tony eyes were as wide as saucers and his hands were trembling as he inched his way towards the person again. He pursed his lips as he stared down at the face of a boy.

_Yes, it is..._

It was him. It was Peter. It was Peter Parker.

It was the Peter he took in when his aunt died. It was the Peter whose hair Tony would ruffle when the two were being playful. It was the Peter that worked with Tony in the lab. It was the Peter he would watch movies with until they both fell asleep. It was the Peter who made Tony and the others laugh all the time when he was around. It was the Peter who accidentally called him 'Dad' one time. _It was the Peter that he loved._

Tony didn't realize that tears were streaming down his face as he stared down at him, taking in his appearance. His curly brown hair was matted with blood. Red cuts covered his face and his bottom lip was bleeding. His nose area was also covered in dried blood.

Tony wanted to throw up at the sight of his kid looking like this. He wanted to turn back time and kill every single person working in this compound in the slowest way possible.

But Tony pushed all those thoughts aside as he ripped off the leather straps holding his kid down. He stepped out of his suit, picked Peter up into his arms, and sat down on the ground, holding him close. He sat in silence for a few moments, trying to process what was happening.

Then, after thinking, he pushed Peter away and scrambled back, putting his face into his hands.

_This isn't possible._

_It can't be happening._

It wasn't possible because this was also the Peter that died.


	2. Chapter 2

**"i don't know"**

* * *

 

_**Six Months Before Events of Chapter 1...** _

 

"What if Luke and Leia knew they were brother and sister all along and were just so attracted to each that they decided to ignore it?” Peter said to Tony as he was finishing his glass of water. Tony was sitting across the table from him, frowning.

Then that would be disgusting.”

I can’t blame Luke,” Clint called from the kitchen in front of them. “Leia’s pretty hot.”

But that doesn’t make it okay! for them to behave like that!” Wanda cried from the couches on the other side of the room. The two continued to argue while Tony rolled his eyes and Peter laughed.

“Don’t you have to get to school?” Tony asked Peter, watching him.

“Yeah,” he replied with a sigh. He swallowed the rest of his water and stood from the table, followed by Tony. “I have this stupid quiz today. Well, it’s supposed to be a quiz, but it has the length and difficulty of an exam. So...don't kill me if I fail.”

Tony chuckled. “I know you’ll do well. You always do.” They walked to the elevator and waited for it to come up to them. In the meantime, Peter explained why he thought using AT-ATs on Hoth was a bad idea. Tony nodded along, not sure if he understood what the kid was trying to say, but he found it amusing anyway.

Ever since Peter’s Aunt May died in a car crash, Peter has been living with the Avengers in their tower. At first, everyone was hesitant about letting a kid in and handling the responsibility. However, after a while, they grew to love him and treat him like he was family. In some ways, he was.

Peter wasn’t able to immediately move into the Tower. He was first sent to an orphanage since he had no other family left, and Tony eventually got him out and took him in. He was worried himself that he wasn’t going to be able to take care of Peter, but it didn’t take him long to realize that he needed and wanted to take care of him because he was all Peter had left.

Tony treated Peter like he was his own son ever since.

When the elevator came up, Tony hugged Peter tightly and wished him good luck on his quiz. Peter thanked him and grinned as the last thing he heard before the doors closed was Wanda yelling at Clint, “IT'S WRONG!"

 

\------

 

Tony was always trying to find new ways to make his technology better. He wanted to improve it, make it faster, smarter, anything. He and Bruce have been working together on creating new tech since the Avengers moved into the tower.

Tony loved working with the man. He was intelligent, ambitious, and open to new ideas. There was never a dull moment when Doctor Bruce Banner was in the lab.

Tony was inspecting a small new power source they were testing the other day when Bruce came into the lab, giddy.

“Guess what?”

“What?”

Bruce opened his computer and pulled out all the information he had on FRIDAY. How she worked, what she could do, and a lot more points that had detailed notes and diagrams on them.

Bruce was flipping through pages, trying to find the right one, when Tony felt a buzz in his pocket, and another, then another. He took out his phone and saw that he had three messages from Peter. He was about to put it back when Peter started calling him.

“Sorry,” Tony apologized, declining the call. “Alright, tell me.”

“Okay, I found a way to improve her. I think we can make it so that she can detect movement outside of the compound, on the ground and in the air. Probably...within 100 feet. I also think there is a way to make her be able to scan the country, maybe even the world, for secret HYDRA bases, which we can then take over and destroy!" Bruce explained.

"That...that’s amazing! That would be amazing! How do we do that?”

Bruce showed Tony the notes he made based on the other information and diagrams he had on FRIDAY. As Bruce explained his ideas to him, Tony nodded, liking it more and more.

“I think that can work,” Tony said after Bruce was done.

Bruce grinned. “It will be great, I promise you.”

Tony was about to say something about body scan recognition but his phone vibrated again. Tony clicked his tongue.

“Sorry, it’s Peter. He won’t stop texting me.”

“Maybe he needs help?”

“He’s supposed to be doing his quiz, I don’t know what he’s doing calling me. I’ll call him back later.”

Tony told Bruce they’d start working on FRIDAY soon, and then proposed to him his idea of body scans to identify a person outside the Tower. He ignored the few buzzes he felt in his pocket.

 

\------

 

Thirty minutes later, Tony received another call. He sighed and was about to accept Peter’s call when he saw that it wasn’t him. It was a new number, one that was apparently not saved to his contacts. He accepted it and put it to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Is this Mr. Tony Stark, Peter Parker’s adoptive father?” a lady asked. Tony didn’t recognize the voice.

“Y-yes, it is,” Tony said, concerned. “Is everything alright?”

“Mr. Stark, your son is missing.”

 

\------

 

“Play it again,” Tony ordered.

“M-Mr.Stark?” cried Peter’s voice through the speakers. “I-I...I’m being chased...Main Street, Q-Queens...I-these guys a-are following me. 5 of them.” Peter panted through the phone. He was running. “I sen-sed it. Oh, my God. Help me. Please. Please see...this message soon.” There was a short pause. Peter gasped. “They’re really close, Mr.Stark pl-lease...tallest building on...on main street. Please be there.” The voicemail ended.

“Again.”

“Sir, your heart rate seems to be very high. I don’t think it is-”

“FRIDAY, play the damn message.” As Tony listened to Peter’s laboured breathing and fearful voice, he re-read the text messages Peter sent him.

 

11:16 AM: mr. stark im being followed pls help

11:16 AM: i see 5 dudes after me

11:16 AM: dont ignore i beg u

 

11:20 AM: i’m on the tall building on main street r u here??

 

11:28: where are you theyre gona catch me

 

11:31: fuck theyre close ill be on buildings just find me pls

 

The messages ended there. Tony didn’t receive any more calls either.

Tony breathed in a shaky breath and took another sip of his whiskey. If only I picked up the damn phone, Tony thought. He hated himself for ignoring Peter’s call and texts. The others were out looking, investigating, searching.

Tony was waiting.

“Play it again.”

 

**_Earlier..._ **

 

Peter glanced at the clock above the door in his classroom. He had 27 minutes to finish the quiz. Well, exam. He was right about it being just like an exam.

He sighed and circled “B” for the question he was on. He read the next one and circled “A”. Peter wasn’t sure if he was getting any of these correct. The test made no sense to him.

 _Or maybe there’s something wrong with me today,_ Peter thought. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. His head was starting to hurt. He groaned softly and shifted in his seat. _Should’ve eaten breakfast._

 _What element is “Au” again? Mercury? No...Iron? No, that’s “Ir”...gold? Yeah, gold._ He circled “D”. _That was such an easy question, why did I have to think?_

Suddenly, the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stood up, alerting him and tickling his skin. Peter sat up straight and listened for any strange noises, but he heard nothing. He concentrated as his eyes searched the room frantically, jumping person to person, looking for whatever triggered his senses.

His gaze finally settled on something outside the window. There was a man dressed in all black, mask and all, leaning against a tree about 50 feet from the building. Peter narrowed his eyes, wondering why he was important.

Then, a similar black figure swiftly passed by the window, making Peter flinch. A few students around the room looked up for a second, not thinking much of it. Peter closed his eyes and focused, listening. He caught the words “target”, “position”, “safe”, and “engage”.

Peter scribbled his name on the top of his “quiz” and, without hesitation, unzipped his backpack and took out his phone.

“Mr. Parker!” his teacher yelled from the front of the class. All the students in the room turned to stare at him. “There are absolutely no phones allowed during the quiz.”

“I-I’m sorry. I have to go,” Peter said, standing up. He grabbed his paper and dropped it onto his teacher’s desk. “I answered almost everything. Should be worth a B-.” Peter ignored the murmurs of the kids in the class and the orders from his teacher to come back as he ran out the door.

He broke into a sprint as soon as he was out the doors. Peter didn’t look back until he was well away from the school. Although he was expecting it, he was surprised to see five men dressed in identical black clothing chasing him.

“Okay...it’s going to be okay…” he muttered as he ran.

Eventually, Peter came to the end of the long street and turned the corner. A few seconds later, he looked back and almost faltered in his step when he saw that the men were still the same distance away from him, if not closer, despite Peter running extremely fast.

Peter huffed and looked around. He noticed an alley coming up on the other side of the street. He could probably use it to lose the men. At least, he hoped.

He gulped and took an abrupt turn left and ran right into the road. Cars on his left stopped and honked their horns, angry. Peter raised his hand as a thank you and yelled out apologies to the drivers that came out of their vehicles to scream at him.

When he made it across, Peter bolted towards the alley. He was going too fast to turn into it without tripping, so he jumped onto the wall of the alley, kicked off of it, and landed on the inside. He could see the gate at the end. It was tall and there was barb wire at the top, so he had to jump high enough without getting caught.

Peter pursed his lips, gripped his phone tighter, and increased his speed and the length of his strides. At the last possible second, he leaped off his feet and brought them up to his chest.

 _Please make it please make it please make it,_ Peter pleaded in his head. To his relief, he flew right past the fence. Peter touched down on his feet but staggered a few steps before getting back up and sprinting again.

He entered another street and a smile grew on his face. _Did I do it? Did I really just outrun them?_ He slowed down a little bit, still going fast but not as fast.

His smile, though, instantaneously turned into a frown when the five men rounded the corner in front of Peter and ran towards them.

“Son of a _bitch!”_ he cried, skidding to a stop. He changed direction and zoomed away. People parted on the sidewalk, allowing for him to pass. He mumbled “thank-you’s” to them as he ran past, knowing they probably didn’t hear him, but he was too tired to talk louder.

He glanced back and saw the black figures.

“Oh, my god. Oh...my god,” he panted. _Okay, what do I do, what do I do?_

_Mr. Stark. I have to text Mr. Stark._

Peter turned on his phone and opened his messages. As he dashed down the sidewalk, he switched between typing and glancing up to make sure he wouldn’t run into a person or a tree. He ended up sending three messages to Tony:

 

_stark im being followed pls help_

__

_i see 5 dudes after me come help pls pls_

__

_dont ignore i beg u_

****

Peter breathed heavily as he pressed the button to call Tony.

He swore in his head as the call went to voicemail. “M-Mr.Stark? I-I...I’m being chased…” Peter stopped to take a look at the street he was currently shooting down. “Main Street, Q-Queens...I-these guys a-are following me. Five of them.” He breathed through his dry mouth and exhaled. “I sen-sed it. Oh, my God. Help me. Please. Please see...this message soon.” Peter looked back and gasped as he realized the men were nearing him. “They’re really close, Mr.Stark pl-lease...tallest building on...on the main street. Please be there.” Peter ended the voicemail and shoved his phone into his pocket.

Peter looked at the tall apartment building he was referring to in his call. He was going to have to get onto the roof if Tony was going to see him. But he was so _tired._ However, he knew he had to push himself for just a little bit more. _Mr. Stark will save me._

Once again, Peter raced through the traffic and made it to the right side of the street. He ducked into an alley and ran up to the first landing that was about 10 feet off the ground. He sprung off his feet and pulled himself up onto the landing. He didn’t waste a second as he took three steps at a time, climbing up and up to the highest point. When the stairs ended, he jumped to the edge and leaped up to the roof. He was sure the men wouldn’t get him here.

Peter fished for his phone and sent Tony another message:

****

_i’m on the tall building on main street r u here??_

****

Peter ran a hand through his hair and clutched his chest as he wheezed. He has never been so out of breath before. “Jesus...Christ…”

He could suddenly hear voices, coming up close to him. Peter stumbled to the edge of the roof and hid behind a huge vent. He tried to lower the sound of his breaths as the voices became alarmingly close.

_They were on the roof._

It shocked him how these men were able to keep up with him and get up onto the roof so quickly.

Peter squeezed his eyes shut, wishing he was still writing that _fucking_ quiz in his quiet classroom, not having to worry about frightening men in masks chasing him through Queens.

His body burned and pleaded for water, for air, for rest. He has never been so tired out before. He just had to _wait._ And then it would all be over.

After a couple of silent minutes, Peter sent another message to Tony:

_where are you theyre gona catch me_

****

Peter covered his mouth and waited for them to go away. There seemed to be seven different people now. _For fuck’s sake…_

Peter’s heart stopped as a man with a deep voice started speaking. He was standing right behind Peter, just on the other side of the vent. He was talking to the other men about his whereabouts. He didn’t seem to realize Peter was so close.

The kid wrote one last text to Tony:

 

_fuck theyre close ill be on buildings just find me pls_

****

He tucked his phone into his pocket and slowly, so _painfully slowly_ moved to stand on his hands and knees. He shuffled to the edge of the vent. Peter didn’t want to risk peeking out at the roof, in case one of the bastards was looking in his direction.

Instead, he stood completely still and made sure there was nobody walking towards him and no one dangerously close. When he detected nothing for a few moments, Peter took a deep breath and jumped out of his hiding. He bolted towards the very edge of the roof, wanting to jump off and land on the next building. He focused on getting there as fast as possible. He paid attention to nothing else.

Peter was close, _so close_ when a pair of large hands grabbed his arm and shoulder and pulled him to the side. Peter fell to the ground with a gasp. His vision was blurry for a moment and his mind scattered, but when he regained his senses, Peter stood up and backed away from the buff man in front of him.

He didn’t get far, though, when someone behind him pushed him forwards. Peter put his hands up and stared at the huge man.

“What’s up, Big Bird?”

“You really think we didn’t know you were there?” he asked with an amused smile. Peter ran his tongue along his top lip, slightly embarrassed. “You’re such an idiot.” Peter resisted the urge to say something else. “Alright, take him out.”

Peter began struggling and thrashing when three people grabbed him by his arms, shoulders, and middle. “Stop it, _please!_ What the hell have I done to you?!”

He never got an answer. The last thing he saw was Big Bird chuckling to himself as he shook his head. Then there was a harsh pain at the back of his head and blackness.

 

\------

 

They found Peter’s body twelve days later.

Upon hearing the news, Tony fell to his knees and sobbed into his hands. His friends hugged him and didn’t say a word as they mourned.


	3. Chapter 3

**"i think it's me...i'm not sure"**

* * *

 

 

Tony knew it was his fault. He knew Peter died because of him.

But as Tony sat with his head in his hands, tears slipping out of his eyes, _Peter's body_ inches away, he re-thought the last six months, because none of this made any _fucking_ sense to Tony.

Peter-who went missing for twelve whole days, who was found dead, who the Avengers buried-was lying right there. And he was alive-Tony made sure. _"But how?"_ he whispered to himself.

He remembered how badly he took the news of Peter's death. He remembered how he cried uncontrollably and drank himself to sleep and almost threw himself off the Tower. If it weren't for his friends, Tony would be dead. They helped Tony recover while trying to recover themselves. It was so difficult because Peter had made a giant impact on every single one of their lives. He touched the hearts of each Avenger and letting him go without knowing what exactly happened to him and who did it infuriated and discouraged them.

But now, everything was different, and Tony threw away everything he thought he knew.

Tony crawled over to his kid and put his head on his thighs. Hesitantly, he ran his fingers through Peter's bloody hair, trying to convince himself that this was real and not just his imagination making all of this up. He touched Peter's cheeks and lips and his fingers, holding him tightly so that he wouldn't leave him.

"How is this... _how are you here?"_

Memories kept coming in like the soldiers earlier-Peter and Clint playing video games while Tony told Peter to do his homework, Natasha and Steve training Peter in combat, Bruce discussing science with him, Bucky telling stories of the war and what it was like to be alive back then, Peter and Wanda teaming up, using their powers for fun, Vision and the kid battling to see who was smarter, the AI or the kid genius. Every single memory caused more tears to escape and more touching Peter's face, to  _really_ make sure Peter was there.

"Oh, kid... _I'm so sorry_...I'm so, so sorry we didn't find you..." Tony leaned down and pressed his forehead to Peter's, silently sobbing. 

 

\------

 

 _"Tony? Tony! Hello? Are you there?"_ Steve's voice called. Tony lifted his head, not sure how much time has passed. He was still confused by the fact that this kid, who he loved more than life itself, who he never got over after he supposedly died, was in his arms-alive.

Tony pressed the device in his ear. "Y-y-yeah...I-" he stopped as his words caught in his throat and he let out a sob. "I'm here."

_"Tony, what's wrong? Are you okay?"_

"FRIDAY d-detected...it-it's...it's P-P-Peter..." 

There was dead silence from everyone for a few seconds until Clint said, _"Did he say 'Peter' or am I just that deaf?"_

_"What's going on, Tony?"_

"Peter's here," Tony said, glad that he got it out without stuttering. "He's here. He-he's alive."

 _"That's not possible,"_ Natasha said. _"He-"_

"Died six months ago, I know...but  _he's here_."

 _"I think Tony's going crazy,"_ Sam said.

"No, I'm not-" Tony paused to take a look at Peter again. He was  _so sure_ he wasn't seeing things. "I'm not crazy...he's here. I'm h-holding him."

 _"Alright, we're on our way,"_ Steve said, though he didn't sound convinced at all. Tony wasn't even sure he was convinced himself.

It took the team seven minutes to get to Tony. When they entered the large room, they called out Tony's name and all he could answer with was a weak "here." They raced in, one by one, and as soon as they laid eyes on the boy in Tony's arms, their mouths dropped and their eyes widened and their knees gave out and their hands covered their faces.

Bruce kneeled down to inspect Peter's injuries with horrified eyes. "What the fuck were they doing to him?"

"How is this possible? We _buried_ him!" Sam exclaimed. 

"I don-I don't know..." Tony muttered. "Why him? _Why Peter?_ Why this sweet, innocent kid who's done nothing but good?" Tony asked, his voice a whisper.

"Let's ask questions and talk about the whys and the hows later, alright? We have to get him out before it's too late," Bruce stated. The others nodded and, faces still filled with shock, filed out of the room. Tony got into his suit and Steve took Peter into his arms.

"Did you clear out the remaining soldiers?" Tony asked.

"Yes, and we sent a message to S.H.I.E.L.D. to clear this place out for good. They'll take care of it from here."

"Alright, let's get out of here."

 

\-----

 

A couple of hours later, the Avengers were seated on the couches in the common room of the Tower, waiting for Bruce to tell them how Peter was doing. As they waited, they talked about the whole situation. Someone pointed out that HYDRA created a fake body meant to be found by them so they could believe Peter was dead. Then they got to talking about HYDRA's reason for taking Peter.

There were many crazy ideas they came up with for why HYDRA needed Peter, and Tony was getting sick of talking about such terrifying things. He wished he could get the images of Peter being tortured and brainwashed and injected with liquids out of his head.

When the doctor finally came in, they all stood up.

"How is he?" Tony asked, his heart racing. 

"Peter's in bad shape. He's lost a lot of blood and they had him heavily sedated, so we need to give it time to get out of his system. He's on life support, so for now, he's fine...well, as fine as he can be."

"God," Tony said as he dropped back onto the couch. He set his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. Natasha put a hand on his shoulder Steve assured him that Peter was going to be okay.

"I still can't believe he's alive," Wanda said. None of them could. Just the day before, they all believed that Peter was dead. 

"They took him because he's Spider-Man," Bucky suddenly said. They all turned to him. "At least, that's what I think. I don't know what they wanted with him, but he's strong and powerful and unlike a normal human being. Plus, he's young. If HYDRA wanted to conduct experiments, he was the guy for them." The Avengers were silent, processing the information.

"It looked like they were doing more than experimenting..." Rhodes said, going to get a drink from the bar.

"It's all my fault...it's all my fault it's all my fault it's all my fault-"

"Tony, it's not your fault. You couldn't have known," Steve said.

"But-but I should have!"

"The bastards fooled all of us."

Tony's shoulders started to shake. "He's just a-a kid..."

"Hey, the important part is that he's back, and we're not going to let him go."

"What if he hates me?" Tony asked, raising his head. His face was red and wet from the tears.

"Peter doesn't hate you," Clint said. "That kid doesn't have the capability to hate."

 _"Six months_. Six months without anybody but guards and scientists and pain and-and who knows what else? Six months without love or affection. He...he probably knew with all his heart I would come for him...he probably convinced himself of that...but I never came, did I? I never came..."

Steve and Natasha started to say comforting things but were cut off by a blood-curdling scream coming from the med bay.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**"i don't think it's you"**

* * *

Tony was the first one to move.

He sprang up from the couch and dashed to the stairs which led down and down into the labs. He turned and sprinted in the opposite direction to the med bay. It was an entirely different section, separated from the rest of this level by a large set of glass double-doors. Tony didn't want to think about the fact that Peter's scream reached them all the way up in the common room.

Tony burst through the doors and followed the noise until he reached the room. He didn't go in-deciding to wait for Bruce-and instead looked through the glass.

And there he was.

He was still wearing the same pants in which they found him in, but was now wearing a white shirt-a formerly white shirt. It was now stained with crimson blood because Peter was thrashing on the hospital bed he was on as if someone was tasering him and the stitches on his body were reopening and blood was pouring out and-

Tony turned away and bumped into Steve, who wrapped his arms around him and told him it was going to be okay, though as he gazed at Peter through the glass, he doubted himself.

Bruce ran into the room and pressed some buttons on the screens next to the bed. The IVs that were still somehow inserted in Peter started to transfer a blue fluid into his body. In a few seconds, Peter began to calm down, though he was still crying out and squirming.

Tony couldn't take it anymore. He pushed himself away from Steve and went into the room, despite everyone's protests. Bruce tried to tell him to calm down but Tony couldn't handle watching his kid like this-he needed to do something.

The man approached Peter, who was turned away from him. His hands were clenching and unclenching, his chest was rising and falling in laboured breaths. The bed sheets under him were stained with red blood. Tony swallowed and put a hand on Peter's shoulder.

"Pete-"

"No!" he screamed as sat up straight on the bed and looked into Tony's eyes with the most haunting expression Tony had ever seen. The sudden movement made Tony jerk his hand away and he wanted to calm Peter down but as he looked into his eyes, all he saw was anger and hate. He also saw...confusion?

"It-it's me, it's Tony. It's okay."

Peter let out a roar and jumped at Tony, tearing the IVs out of his arms and tackling Tony to the ground. He held up his fist. Blood started to drip out of where the IVs were seconds earlier.

Steve appeared behind Peter and grabbed his shoulder, to which Peter stood up and kicked him in the stomach and backed away to the wall. Steve regained his balance and Tony stood up, dazed. He wanted to cry at how angry Peter looked.  _Maybe I was right,_ Tony thought.  _Maybe he hates me because I didn't come for him..._

 _"I'm sorry,"_ Tony choked out.

Peter was about to say something when he dropped to his knees and inhaled sharply, as if in pain. He grabbed his hair and whimpered.

Tony knelt in front of him, feeling pain himself as he watched Peter. "Kid?"

Peter started shaking his head and whispering, "No, no, no, nonononononono..." Tony bit his cheek to stop himself from crying.

"Bruce, what's happening to him?"

"I don't know, I'm checking all his scans right now, but there doesn't seem to be anything wrong other than things that have to do with his physical health!"

"Could this be a side effect of that?" Sam asked.

"I-I don't know...I've never seen it before."

"Peter, talk to me," Tony whispered, knowing Peter could hear him. He leaned forward and placed a hand on his knee, but he wasn't fast enough to back away when Peter raised his fist and punched Tony hard in the nose.

Tony jumped up onto his feet and groaned as blood leaked out and dripped onto the floor. He stared at Peter with shock and hurt, having trouble believing that his own kid just did that to him.

"What the hell is happening?" someone behind Tony said. He was too startled by what happened to figure out who the voice belonged to.

"Peter!" Tony cried.

"Stop yelling! Just leave me the fuck alone!"

"I don't know what's going on with you but-"

"I don't _CARE!"_ he screamed and shoved Tony away from him. Then he gripped his head again and shouted, "GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT _GET THE FUCK OUT!"_

Tony covered his mouth with his hands and turned away, feeling himself getting sick. Steve and Bruce exchanged looks and Bruce nodded.

Steve approached Peter. He looked as if he was about to lunge at him like he did at Tony, but Steve quickly grabbed Peter's shoulders and pushed him onto his knees. The boy jerked violently but wasn't able to break out of Steve's strong grip.

"You have to calm down, okay? You have to take deep breaths and calm down." Peter stared at Steve with rage, but also unrecognition, and it hurt Steve a little more than he thought, the fact that Peter didn't seem to know who he was. The boy panted and bared his teeth but after a few moments he stopped squirming as much and started to take deeper breaths.

Steve nodded as he breathed and smiled. He was glad he was making progress, keeping Peter calm...that is, until he started loosening his grip and Peter started squirming and screaming again.

"NO NO NO NO NO STOP IT PLEASE STOP IT STOP IT STOPSTOPSTOP DON'T-DON'T PLEASE DON'T DO IT I _DON'T WANT TO!"_

Steve and the other Avengers gaped at Peter, and Steve was so shocked he had trouble keeping his hold on him. "Somebody, come on!" he called. Before he even got the chance to finish the sentence, a dart whizzed past him and buried itself in Peter's arm. Steve looked back to see Natasha holding up a gun. He nodded to her and looked back at Peter.

Slowly, Peter's aggressive attempts to get free of Steve became weak and his screams were just meaningless mutters, until finally his rage-filled eyes fluttered shut and he collapsed into Steve's arms.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THERE ARE DESCRIPTIONS OF SUICIDE IN THIS CHAPTER!

**"no, it's not me"**

* * *

 

 

Before he became Iron Man, Tony's sky was dark and empty. Not a single light broke through, not a single spark of not-temporary happiness and a bright future, and it didn't for a long, long while. After the Battle of New York, though, things started to change.

Shooting stars penetrated the darkness in the form of soldiers and assassins and huge green monsters and Gods of thunder. But Tony's sky wasn't ever permanently brightened. His anxiety and depression always swallowed any brightness that dared to bring any hope.

Then, Tony met Peter Parker. 

He was a newborn star that grew each day, getting larger and brighter as Tony's fondness and love for the kid increased, and whenever the anxiety or the negative feelings and thoughts crept in to take that light away, it would scare it off and shine even more. 

But now, that brilliant star that Tony loved more than anything else in his life was flickering out.

 

\------

 

Bucky was standing on the balcony of the common room, looking out at New York and enjoying the wind that was hitting his face. His eyes danced around the lit-up buildings and streets below him, looking for anything to take his mind off Peter.

After what happened in the med bay with him, he was more confused and afraid of what would happen to the kid than ever. Peter was so aggressive and angry and just not himself at all. What terrified Bucky further was that this reminded him a little too much of what happened to him when he spent time with HYDRA. When he thought of Peter getting tortured and experimented on and changed into a weapon, it made Bucky want to murder every single HYDRA associate out there.

 _Th_ e _kid's 15, for God's sake._

Bucky froze when he realized that Peter's 16th birthday had passed in the time that he was gone, supposedly dead.

He remembered the team going to Peter's favourite restaurant and ordering his favourite dessert and playing his favourite songs and telling their favourite memories and stories with Peter. Everyone shed tears that night. It wasn't like it was a happy celebration and everyone was filled with joy and laughter. It was especially hard to watch Tony burst into tears when he told the story of the time when Peter accidentally called Tony 'Dad'. 

Bucky had many memories of Peter, but one stuck out the most. Some time ago, Bucky was having one of his panic attacks and he couldn't breathe or think properly. Steve, who usually helped him calm down, was out and there was nobody who knew what to do. Bucky remembered how Peter took matters into his own hands and went up to him. He wasn't at all scared or hesitant, and he talked Bucky through his attack and helped him breathe until he calmed down. 

Peter told him that he used to have the attacks, too, until he became Spider-Man, and they occurred much less often. That's when the two started talking about their lives before Spider-Man and the Winter Soldier, before everything changed. They listened to each other's stories and laughed and joked and bonded.

That was the day that Bucky decided he liked Peter.

About a year ago, when Peter's Aunt May died in a car accident, he along with the rest of the team thought that Tony's decision to take Peter in was extremely rash. They were a group of superheroes that defended the world and fought the evil that threatened it, and taking care of a teenager was not the job for them. 

However, after a month or two of Peter living with them, they treated him like their little brother. Peter was depressed for a while because of May's death, but the team helped him through it. The kid was ecstatic to live with the Avengers, and after he got over the initial shock and excitement of it, he felt at home and relaxed and less upset, though he thought of May every single day.

Bucky didn't like Peter right away.

He thought he was an irresponsible child who couldn't handle the big missions the Avengers talked about taking Peter on. He believed that taking care of Peter would take a lot of time that the team could use to do the things that really mattered.

He avoided the kid for some time, not wanting to do much with or for him, until the panic attack happened. The fact that Peter still helped him get through it after Bucky has been ignoring him for so long made Bucky gain respect for Peter.

Now, as Peter was lying unconscious in the med bay, he was afraid that he would lose him. It hit him harder than Bucky would like to admit, but he knew he wouldn't be okay if Peter died. He knew nobody would be okay.

But no one was as worried and horrified as Tony.

Tony was a complete mess after Peter "died". The team was always looking out for Tony afterwards. The few times he did something crazy, the few times he endangered his life, they took extra care of him. It happened way too often, though, and the team never left his side. Tony always had someone with him wherever he went, making sure he didn't throw himself off the Tower again or hang or cut himself or anything like that.

Tony got better eventually, but Peter came back and he wasn't the same. Tony wasn't himself after the med bay incident. Once again, the team started keeping an eye on him, even though he never left the medical wing. He either sat in one of the chairs outside Peter's room or watched him through the glass.

Bucky truly hoped that whatever was happening to Peter wasn't what was finally going to push Tony over the edge.

The doors suddenly opened behind Bucky and Steve walked onto the balcony. He stood beside Bucky and gazed at the city. His face was tense and he seemed to be holding something in, like he didn't want to say it but he knew he had to. 

Bucky fought the lump in his throat as he asked, "How is he?"

Steve sighed. "He, uh...he woke up and-"

"He did?" Bucky cried, turning to Steve.

"B-Bucky...he freaked out again and attacked Bruce. Thankfully, Wanda was down there talking to Tony and she held Peter down while Bruce put him out again. He..." Steve trailed off, breaking eye contact with Bucky.

"He what?"

"Bruce said we need to restrain Peter."

Bucky was silent for a moment until he said, "Like...like with what? How?"

"He said we have hospital beds with some kind of...vibrannium restraints on them. I have no idea why we have those and what in the world they're supposed to hold, but Bruce thinks it's possible that Peter gets so violent that he becomes a true danger to himself and the people around him. He wants to keep Peter like that until he figures out what the hell is going on with him and how to fix it." 

Bucky couldn't stop the images of Peter trapped on a bed, screaming and squirming, shouting at them and at the world for doing this to him, that were pouring into his head. He shook his head. "What does Tony think?" 

"Well, at first he got angry and yelled at Bruce for even thinking something like that, but after Bruce and I explained why it was for the best, I guess he understood and...agreed. But he's not happy about it."

"No one is," Bucky muttered.

"Hey, he's going to be okay. It's all going to be alright." Steve put his arms around Bucky, encasing him in a tight hug. Bucky hugged back, even though he didn't think it was going to be okay or alright for a while.

 

\------

 

Tony watched with misty eyes and crossed arms as Bruce wheeled in Peter from the door at the back of the room. He was lying in a bed similar to the first one, but this one had leather straps holding down Peter's arms and legs. Tony knew the leather was covering the metal underneath, to make it slightly more comfortable. If it were just leather holding Peter down, the kid would break out of it instantaneously. 

Tony hated seeing Peter like that. It was exactly what HYDRA did, it was exactly how Tony found him. It made him sick that this was necessary, that he had to put his kid through this. He knew Bruce and the others didn't like it either, but Tony hoped it was for the best. 

He just wished it didn't have to be like this.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadness :(

**"who is it then?"**

* * *

 

 

  _ **Six Months Earlier...**_

 

Peter slowly opened his eyes and groaned as light poured in, making him squeeze them shut. He tried to open his mouth and lick his dry lips but his tongue collided with something tough. After moving his head from side to side, Peter found that whatever it was wrapped around his face, covered his mouth, and was secured at the back. Fear struck Peter. He started squirming but his arms and legs and wrists and ankles were tied down with the same material.

Only then did Peter fully open his eyes and realize that he was sitting up, not lying down, in a chair, his limbs tied to its arms and legs. A table stood in front of him and there was another chair on the other side. The walls of the room were bright white and the fluorescent lights didn't make the room any duller. A door stood on Peter's left.

"Mmm-mm- _mmm!"_ he cried, putting all his effort into ripping out of the restraints.

_Why can't I break out of this? This is only leather! Why can't I break out? What's happening to me? Where the hell am I?_

And then, despite him trying to stop it, Peter started crying. He didn't want to cry, he wanted to be strong, not weak, but the tears kept coming and it was hard for Peter to breathe because he only had his nose and he couldn't wipe his eyes and he couldn't break out of those _stupid_ restraints.

He didn't know how long he let the tears fall, but eventually, they stopped coming. Now his face was a mess of redness and wetness and sadness.

 

He sat still for a long time, he cried some more, sat still again, his mind wandering. He thought of Steve and Natasha and Bruce and all the Avengers and Ned and MJ and May, but then _oh,_ he came to Tony and he wanted to cry again. Tony, who took him in when he lost everything. Tony, who he spent countless evenings with watching Star Wars and other old movies and eating popcorn. Tony, who teased him and ruffled his hair and laughed with him. _Tony, who he loved._

He had hope. Actually, he had lots of it. He had hope that Steve was going to burst through the door with Natasha on her heels and Clint would be fighting the people who kidnapped him with Bucky, Sam, and Rhodes and Wanda, Vision, and Hulk would be tearing the place down and Tony was going to walk in and lift Peter up into his arms and fly away, fly away with him back home where he would be safe and warm and happy.

He didn't let himself get too hopeful, but he was sure that they would come for him. Even as the hours went on, he didn't let go of that hope.

 

\------

 

The door on Peter's left opened a couple of hours later with a squeak. Peter's heart skipped a beat and he jumped, the noise scaring him. It's been quiet for hours. A man poked his head into the room. He took one look at Peter, pulled his head back into wherever he came from, and then stepped in and shut the door behind him. 

The man was wearing bulletproof uniform of what looked like a soldier or a guard. He had short jet black hair and sharp green eyes and fair skin. Peter thought his nose was a little too fat for his face, but otherwise, this man could have passed for a completely average person, and not one involved in some organization that kidnaps teenage boys.

“Good, you’re awake.” Peter’s senses were screaming, “Danger! Danger!” at him, especially once the man stared down into Peter's eyes so intensely that Peter had to look away. The man chuckled.

"Scared, are we, bug?" Peter hoped the nickname didn’t mean what he thought it meant. Oh, how he hoped it didn't mean it.

The man looked for something in one of his many pockets and then went to stand behind Peter. Peter started panicking, not knowing what this man wanted to do to him, but a second later he heard a click and felt the pressure on his face loosen and the gag fall away. Peter licked his lips and took deep breaths through his mouth, relieved he finally could.

“What do you want?” Peter asked after a moment, keeping his voice steady.

"Well, Peter," he started, sinking down into the chair across from him and setting his hands on the table. "We want you."

"You already have me." Peter was surprised he even had the courage to talk.

"Yes, in a manner of speaking. You see, though, we need people to fight for us. We need soldiers. We need to experiment to make those soldiers. That's where you come in, Peter. We need the great Spider-Man to help us achieve what we want." Peter's stomach twisted when the man referred to him by his alias. 

 _So the name "_ bug" _wasn't just for fun...great._

"Our scientists believe that whatever is in you is enough to convert you and other people we've gathered into...well, killing machines." Peter tried to ignore the lump in his throat that formed at the words "killing machines". 

"How do you know it'll work?"

"Well, we managed to make Bucky Barnes into a soldier without you, so imagine what we can do _with_ you!" the man said excitedly. "Besides, we have to try." Peter froze at the mention of Bucky. His eyes widened as he put the pieces together.  _HYDRA._

Peter suddenly felt a ton more terrified than a few seconds before.

"W-why me? There are so many other superheroes, so why me?"

"You're quite a favourite of the Avengers, and see, we don't play well with those guys. So, we thought that for everything that they've done to us, to this organization, we'll take away the thing they love most. Besides, your strength and potential is spectacular! If only you understood what you can do for us." He smirked.

Peter started shaking his head as his eyes became misty. "Y-you can't, _please._ I-I-I don't-"

The man raised a hand to stop him. "You don't have a choice, and you won't from this day on. This is it for you, Parker."

Peter was still shaking his head and pleading when another guard, this one slightly larger, came in and untied his legs from the chair. Peter was pulled up and dragged out of the room into a much darker hallway. The walls were made of smooth stone and the hallways curved in both directions. Pipes ran along the ceiling and doors identical to the one he just came out of lined the walls.

Three other guards with big guns and masks were waiting by the door. Peter sniffed as they shoved him forwards, telling him to walk. 

Peter shuffled through the hallway, passing door after door after door, each of them looking exactly the same. Occasionally, a group of five or six guards walked by them. They wore the same uniform as the ones that walked behind him, gray and bulletproof and large. They didn't shoot Peter one glance, even though he stared. Peter couldn't see anyone else except for them. It was all the same clothes and masks and guns and colour.

After walking for a while, Peter became sure that these people injected something into his system. He felt much weaker than he should have. He desperately wanted to break out of his restraints and take down the three soldiers behind him and the one in front, but he barely had enough strength to walk properly. Peter's heart kept beating faster and his senses were screaming louder, but he couldn't do anything.

Eventually, the guards stopped him. It was silent for a few seconds when one of them behind Peter started talking into his radio.

"Do you want him or shall we begin?" he said, his voice gravelly and deep. 

"I'll come get him. Where are you?" someone said from the radio.

"Sector 17." Peter looked around. He had no idea how the man could tell where they were. They've been walking for almost thirty minutes and Peter still hasn't seen anything apart from concrete walls and identical doors.  _How big is this compound?_

"W-what's going on?" Peter whimpered. One of the men smacked Peter across the back of his head.

"Shut up." So, Peter did. He didn't even dare move his head or lean from side to side.

After ten minutes, another group of soldiers rounded a corner and were headed in their direction, except this one had a man leading them. He had brown hair, tanned skin, and wore a green vest with a white shirt and black trousers. Again, he looked like an everyday person Peter would see on the street. 

"Hey there," he said when he reached Peter, giving him a huge grin. He patted Peter's cheek and said, "How are you holding up?"

Peter just glared at the man, having no desire to answer to anybody in this place. In turn, the man frowned, clicked his tongue, and slapped Peter so hard across the face that his head whipped to the side. His eyes welled up and he bit his cheek as he tried to ignore the pain.

"You answer me when I'm talking to you, Mr. Peter Parker," he said, giving Peter another smile. "How are you holding up?"

"F-fine."

"Fine...?"

"Fine, sir."

"That's better!" he said, clapping his hands. He turned to the guards behind Peter. "I'll take it from here." He then pulled a gun out of his back pocket, pressed it to Peter's head, and told him to move forward and that if he tried anything, he'd shoot.

"But you need me."

"I'll shoot your legs."

So, they walked in silence. Well, Peter was silent. The man, whose name turned out to be Sorrento, told Peter about the compound and the organization and the project. He even mentioned Bucky, which made Peter nervous.

"You know him, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"How close were you?"

Peter tried to swallow down his fear at the word "were", as if they weren't close anymore, as if Peter would never see Bucky again.

"I guess...kinda close."

"Hm."

Peter waited a few minutes, gathered his courage, and said, "You-you're not gonna do the same thing to me, right?"

"Just keep walking, Peter."

And that was the moment that Peter started to lose hope.

 

\------

 

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity to Peter, the two came to a door that was marked with a small exclamation point, the little dot underneath the line the HYDRA symbol. That and a keypad beside the door were the only things that made this door different from all the others.

Peter stopped walking and watched as Sorrento entered a code longer than 20 numbers-Peter lost count after 23 because Sorrento was pressing the buttons so quickly.  _Jeez, they really don't want any strangers getting in there._

The door opened into a bright white hallway that stretched forwards and ended at a large metal door, similar to the one in the room where he woke up. There were windows on the walls, looking into labs and hospital rooms. Peter gazed into them as he walked.

The first few rooms were lit up but empty, and they reminded Peter a little too much of the labs back at home.  _Home._ Peter shook his head and bit back the tears. The next few rooms had scientists in them, working on the computers and cleaning their tools. They didn't look up as a boy with a gun to his head walked by. Then, they reached the door at the end. Sorrento entered the long code again and they were through.

This hallway was the same except for the fact that Peter's ears immediately heard screams and his nose smelled blood and his eyes saw a man in a window strapped to a bed and he was covered in blood and screaming _so loud_ that Peter looked away, but caught the same sight in the room across from the first one so he looked down but suddenly he wanted to throw up and cry and run away, run far, far away from there.

Sorrento clicked his tongue and lifted Peter's head, forcing him to look into the windows as they walked by. 

_Blood blood blood blood so much so much so much so much blood and red and pain and screaming and-_

Peter looked down again, letting out a sob. He could hear Sorrento chuckle behind him. It surprised him, that he was able to hear anything over the shrieking. There were multiple rooms like that, but Peter just kept looking down and Sorrento didn't try and make Peter watch.

Finally, they came to an empty room. It was the same as all the others that they've passed except it didn't have any windows. Peter didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Sorrento undid Peter's bindings and shoved him into a chair against the wall. Instantly after Peter sat down, before he had the chance to maybe stand back up or move, metal clasps burst out of the arms and trapped Peter in the chair.

"Really? Again?" 

"So, this is how this is going to work," Sorrento said, ignoring Peter. "First, we're gonna conduct all the experiments we need, gather everything. It might take a while, it might not, depending on how well you behave." Chills raced down Peter's spine. "Then...you're going to become our soldier. Hopefully our top one."

"When you say that, do you mean you'll...you'll b-...br..."

"Brainwash you? Oh, yeah." 

Peter's breath caught in his throat. He suddenly recalled all the stories that Bucky told him, though there were few, about his experience at HYDRA and what they did to him. Peter wanted to die at the mere idea of that happening to him; not remembering his friends, his family, _himself,_ becoming just an empty person with only one goal: to kill. Peter shuddered.

"Y-you can't!"

"Of course we can! There's nothing that can stop us."

"The Avengers. They'll come for me," Peter said. He knew they'd come. They promised to always keep him safe, so he knew there was no way they would just leave him in the hands of HYDRA. They would come and rescue him.

At least, that's what he believed before Sorrento spoke his next words.

"They're not coming for you, Peter, because they think you're dead."

 

* * *

 

  **I hope I'm doing okay so far? I'm having fun writing but I really hope you guys are having fun reading!**

**Thoughts?**

**:D**

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More sadness :((

**"i...i'm not sure"**

* * *

 

 

**_Six Months Earlier..._ **

 

Tony stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. 

He stared at himself and he stared and he stared, his hands frozen in the air, about to button up the rest of his dress shirt. He stared and he thought,  _You, Tony Stark, are a failure. You are the worst guardian there was. You're even worse than your fucking father._

Tony's eyes widened at that horrible thought. 

_I'm not worse than him._

_Oh, yes, you are. Your father might not have been good to you, but at least you didn't die. He didn't even care much for you, and you lived._

"Stop," Tony whispered.  _Stop._

_You cared, and he still died. How does that make you feel?_

"Stop it," he said, louder this time. 

_Peter is dead. Such a sweet little kid._

"No!" he yelled, raising his voice. "Get out!" Tony slapped his hands over his ears and repeated the two words over and over again but to no avail.

_And it's all-_

"Please, stop!"

_Because-_

"NO, NO!" he screamed, his throat burning.

_Of you._

"Tony!" Natasha cried, bursting into the bathroom. She took in the scene and kneeled down to put her hands on Tony's shoulders. Only then did he realize he was on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest and his hands covering his face. "Hey."

Tony looked up to meet her worried eyes. "Sorry, Nat, I..."

"I know. It's okay." They sat in silence for a moment. Natasha smiled at Tony, but it was more of a sympathetic smile that said, "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." Tony didn't smile back, just rubbed his eyes and cleared his head.

"Come on," Natasha eventually said. She helped Tony up and, upon seeing that he wasn't ready yet, buttoned up his shirt and tied his bowtie. She set her palms on his chest once she was satisfied. "All ready."

"No, I'm not ready."

"Of course you are."

Tony shook his head and looked down at his shiny dress shoes. "I don't think I can do it."

"I know you can, Tony."

"He was supposed to outlive me, Nat. I was supposed to go first, not him." 

"Hey, look at me," she said, so Tony lifted his head and looked into her eyes. "We all loved him, and he loved all of us, so we have to do this for him, okay?"

"But I-"

"Tony, he loved you the most, which is why _you_ especially have to be strong."

"I don't think I'm strong enough."

"We have to be strong enough for him. We..." Natasha stopped, seemingly to gather herself. "We have to be strong enough to say goodbye."

 

\------

 

Tony told himself that he was prepared to see Peter, that he was prepared to give a speech, that he was prepared to see him go. He told himself that he was going to be fine. He told himself that he was going to contain himself.

He was wrong,

Upon seeing Peter, his eyes closed and his skin pale and his chest still, Tony lost it. He was respectful and quiet as he tried to listen to the others' speeches, but it was so damn hard to take his eyes off his boy and not think about everything they did together and the incredible bond they had and lost.

_He's really dead. He's dead. Oh, God, he's right there and he's dead._

The words _"m_ _y fault my fault my fault my fault_ _"_ kept echoing in Tony's head, torturing him.

Eventually, it was his turn to talk about Peter. Shakily, he stood up and walked forwards. He could feel everybody's eyes on him as he moved to the front of the room but his own eyes lingered on Peter's unmoving body as he passed, not believing that this was really happening and that was really Peter. _God, he's actually-_

_Wait._

Tony paused for a moment, his eyes scanning Peter's face. There was something...different. There was something about Peter that was wrong but Tony couldn't quite place it.

He narrowed his eyes. Peter almost looked like...not him. His cheeks seemed slightly hollower than they should have been and his hair was a little bit of a darker shade of brown and not as curly, and Tony kept noticing these little details about his face that he didn't remember Peter having.

Tony cocked his head to the side and reached out a hand. He heard murmurs from the team but he didn't care. He just wanted to make sure...

Just as he was about to touch Peter's cheeks, Steve appeared in his field of view and moved Tony's hand back to his side. "Tony...your speech," he reminded him. 

"I-I know, but Steve-"

"No, Tony. He's dead."

"But look at him!" Steve sighed and glanced at Peter. Tony waited to see the look of realization or confusion or _something_ on Steve's face, but he just saw grief. Steve turned back to him.

"It's okay. It's gonna be okay. Just say your speech, alright?" 

Tony took one last look at Peter. Maybe he was just seeing things. Maybe he just wanted to convince himself that Peter wasn't dead. Maybe it was just his brain tricking him. So, with that thought in mind, he walked all the way to the front and he said what he wanted to say and he cried, but they were all crying by the end. 

Watching Peter being lowered into the ground and buried was the hardest thing Tony ever had to do.

All he knew was it was supposed to be the other way around.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an intense chapter, so beware!

**"..."**

* * *

 

_**Six Months Earlier...** _

 

"Y-you faked my death?!" Peter exclaimed, heartbroken at the thought of his friends-his _family_ -believing that he was gone, that he was never coming back. "B-b-but-"

"But what?"

"But how did you...how-"

"How did we do it? Well, first, if you can remember, we tracked you down and took you here. Then, we had to make your friends believe that you were really dead rather than just missing. So, our best scientists and doctors worked for almost twelve days, using our most advanced technology, to create a perfect replica of you." Sorrento stopped to take in Peter's dumbfounded expression. "It wasn't completely perfect, unfortunately, but it was enough to fool them."

"So they think I'm...that I'm..." Peter couldn't quite get the words out. If he said them it would make it even more real.

"Dead? Yes, they do," Sorrento confirmed, and Peter slumped in his chair. "Not too long after they found the body, which happened exactly like we planned, they even had a funeral."

"A funer-" Peter's voice caught in his throat. 

"So, there you go. No one's looking for you, no one cares, you're stuck here." 

Peter couldn't believe what he was hearing. He couldn't believe what happened to him and that he was really there and that the Avengers thought he was dead and Tony thought he was dead and they had a funeral for him and nobody was going to look for him and-

"Hey, hey!" Sorrento yelled and pulled Peter out of his thoughts. He was hyperventilating and losing control and his stomach was turning. He wanted to throw up, but there was nothing _to_ throw up. Sorrento groaned and slapped Peter across the face. "Calm the fuck down. _Now."_

Peter was terrified. He didn't know exactly what was going to happen to him, but he knew it was going to be bad. He had never been so sure in his entire life. Breathing became difficult, as well as listening. Sorrento was saying something, but Peter couldn't understand. It was like he was wearing three sets of earmuffs and Sorrento was speaking to him from outside of the room. Peter just couldn't understand. 

"Listen to me, Peter," was all he heard, but Sorrento came nice and close to his ear, his breath sending tingles down Peter's body. 

Peter couldn't see much of anything, either-he didn't know if it was tears or if it was the fact that his head was pounding, but nothing was clear. Sorrento's figure walked past him a few times, his voice still somewhere far away, and then he stopped. He stopped walking and speaking. Instead, he turned and stared at Peter, and Peter could tell. He could tell Sorrento was looking at him, and something told him that he wasn't very happy. Sorrento kneeled in front of Peter so he was level with him.

"Are you listening?" he heard. Somehow, he heard. Peter wanted to nod, but something prevented him from doing so. He couldn't move his head. So, he averted his eyes and stared at the floor.

Peter could see in his peripheral vision that Sorrento shook his head and stood up. He had no idea what was happening to him, he had no idea what to do. He just wanted to pass out, to end this torment. It was getting difficult to keep his eyes open and his head up and all the while the headache right between his eyes was intensifying and all he wanted was to-

_PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN-_

_MORE  AND MORE PAIN AND OH, GOD-_

Peter screamed and squirmed and howled as everything suddenly became bright and clear again. His eyes frantically moved around the room until he forced himself to look down from where all that _horrible_ pain was coming from and he cried even harder.

The blood was everywhere. It was the first thing Peter saw and it was the only thing he could see because it was soaking his pants and it was _everywhere_ and-

And then he finally noticed the knife buried in his left thigh, just the handle sticking out.

"P-p-please," Peter whispered after a minute, meeting Sorrento's amused eyes. 

"Please...?"

"Please, sir, t-take it out."

"You have to do one thing." He paused for effect and then said, "Swear your loyalty to HYDRA."

Peter's heart collapsed, although he knew he should have seen it coming. What else would they ask of him? 

"Y-you can't expect me t-to agree with everything y-you'll want to d-do to me..."

"Of course not. We just want you to swear your loyalty to us. However, disobedience and misbehaviour will result in punishment."

Peter shook his head. "No, never. I won't."

"I'm going to give you another chance."

Peter hesitated this time, knowing that this wasn't going to end well, but he shook his head anyway. Sorrento sighed and walked over to the table on the side. He picked up a knife, just like the one in his thigh.

Peter pleaded and pleaded as Sorrento came up to him, not wanting to experience the same thing again. "You have to learn to obey, Peter." 

And before he knew it, the knife was stuck in his right shoulder. Instantaneously, Peter started screaming and sobbing as fresh new pain coursed through his body. 

"Please, stop!" he cried through tears and gasps.

"Will you be loyal to HYDRA?" he heard Sorrento say, his voice calm.

"N-no!"

Sorrento grabbed the knife in Peter's shoulder and twisted it. This was even worse and Peter was one hundred percent sure his throat was being ripped apart as he screamed. He wanted for it all to end, he wanted to pass out. 

And he did, for a couple of minutes. He was woken up, though, when a new uncomfortable feeling added to the agony. Peter inhaled sharply as he opened his eyes and started shivering. His hair stuck to the sides of his face and he was freezing. He realized ice-cold water was dumped on him.

"Will you be loyal to HYDRA?" Sorrento asked again, not waiting for Peter to wake up fully. Peter lazily shook his head no. Sorrento clicked his tongue and retrieved something else from the table. Peter didn't want to look, but he prayed that it wasn't another knife.

It wasn't. Instead of stabbing Peter again, Sorrento dropped a large bucket of water onto Peter's lap. The bucket nudged the knife in his leg which made Peter whimper. Sorrento stood behind Peter and asked him the same question. Peter's answer remained the same. 

And a second later his hair was grabbed and his head was pushed into the water. Peter was too weak to fight and he didn't have a lot of air and he could feel consciousness slipping away and life leaving his-

Peter was pulled back up and he took huge gulps of air while coughing. Sorrento said right into his ear, "Will you be loyal to HYDRA?" 

When Peter's answer was still "no", Sorrento pushed Peter back in while simultaneously twisting the knife in Peter's shoulder once again. Peter was screaming in the water and he was running out of air too quickly and he tried to breathe in but water entered his throat and he started gagging and coughing and it was the absolute worst Peter has ever felt. He believed he was going to die. The pain in his right shoulder was overwhelming and he was running out of air and-

He was tugged back up. Peter was a mess; he was crying and breathing deeply and coughing and trembling at the same time and he genuinely thought that was the end. He was sure he wouldn't be able to handle anymore.

So, he made himself a promise. He promised that his next words would have no meaning at all. He promised he would fight them. He promised he would not obey. He promised he would never, ever be loyal to HYDRA.

When Sorrento asked the question again, Peter replied, "Yes. I will be, sir."

Sorrento let go of Peter's hair and took the bucket of water away. Peter was controlling his breathing again and he was calming down, but each time he would look at the knives in his body, he would start losing that control. Sorrento sensed his panic and said, "Oh, yes. Those. You'll take care of them."

Peter took a moment to understand. "What?"

"You want _me_ to help you?" Peter nodded and Sorrento smirked. "Peter you are going to become a soldier, which means that you have to start learning how to take care of yourself in tough situations."

"No, I can't do it myself."

"Why not?" Sorrento pulled a small remote control out of his pocket and pressed a button. Instantly, the restraints holding down his left arm unlocked and he could move it. "Go on, do it."

Peter couldn't believe it. He didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he was the one who was going to pull the knives out, but he was scared. He was so scared that he didn't move for a while. Sorrento patiently waited, though Peter told himself to hurry his ass up in case Sorrento ran out of patience and decide to do it himself.

Peter swallowed down what fear he could and inched his hand forwards. He eventually wrapped his shaking fingers around the handle and squeezed. It hurt so bad, so bad that he was sure Death himself was standing there beside him, waiting for Peter's end. 

It took Peter some time, but he gathered his courage, took a deep breath and pulled with all the energy he had left. His screams came out immediately because it was _terrible_. There was a feeling of relief when the knife was extracted, and Peter exhaled happily, even though it was painful.

His mind skipped to the knife in his shoulder. He told himself he could do it, he told himself he was going to be okay and it was almost over. So, he grabbed the handle and pulled. It took a couple of tries this time because Peter was so tired and so low on energy and the pain was too much. Peter couldn't even scream anymore. When he finally got it out, after what felt like years, Peter closed his eyes and dropped the knife on the floor. 

Sorrento started clapping. "Not bad, not bad. A little slow, but we'll work on it."

Peter couldn't reply. His voice was almost gone from all the screaming and his head was just killing him and his injuries hurt really, really bad. 

All he knew was that he survived and now he was going to have to survive what HYDRA was planning to do to him.

But it was all too much right then, so Peter let himself fall into unconsciousness.

 

\------

 

**Hey there!**

**School just started for me so that's why I'm gonna have an inconsistent posting time, but I hope it's worth it and that you enjoyed this!**


	9. Chapter 9

**"i don't know who i am"**

* * *

 

_**Month One** _

Peter resisted a lot.

Peter resisted questioning. Peter resisted the experiments. Peter resisted the soldiers. Peter resisted everybody telling him that it was going to get better. But, each time he actually thought about what he was doing, he knew he had to act on his words: he promised to be loyal to HYDRA. 

Like Peter said to Sorrento, HYDRA couldn't expect him to just let them do whatever they wanted with him. They knew he'd resist, and Peter was doing just that. But Peter knew that if he resisted way too much, they'd start questioning his loyalty and his promise and they would do unspeakable things to him to make him obey.

They've tried things. They've tried putting liquids into him to make him listen and do what they said. They tried hurting him again, which wasn't too bad, but it worked...only for a little, though. They tried manipulating him. They tried promising him that everything would be better if he just  _listened._

And then, after trying everything they could think of, they finally did something that worked.

They put him in the room. The room where it started. The room where he gave the promise that he would be loyal. They upgraded the chair he was sitting on to make it less comfortable and more strong so that Peter wouldn't break out of it as he got better. The computers were on, showing his vitals and pictures of him that they took shortly after he  _gave his promise._

A man came in. He looked like everybody else who he saw in there-just a man with a lab coat and some facial hair and glasses and there was nothing,  _nothing_  separating him from the many people he saw each day. He sat down by the computers, clicked some buttons, looked over some stuff. Peter couldn't see him, as he was facing the door and the computers were behind him and his neck was still aching from what they put him through a few days ago.

"Alright, Peter," the man said, sounding exactly like every single doctor or scientist or  _whatever_  in the history of anything. Peter was starting to become annoyed. "Are you ready?"

Peter shrugged and sighed. "As ready as I'll ever be."

"Wonderful." He stood up from his chair and pulled it up so he sat in front of Peter. He looked calm, which annoyed Peter further. "You know who the Winter Soldier is, correct?"

Peter's heart skipped a beat.  _Oh, no._

"Y-yeah." Peter found himself stumbling a lot in the time that he was there, and as much as he tried to stop it, he couldn't. It just came out naturally.

"So, you know his story?" 

Peter didn't need to answer for the man to know.

And then, without even saying anything, without even warning him, without nothing or anything, he said it.

"желание."

Peter's eyes widened in shock and his heart sped up and his stomach was twisting in fear and worry but Peter felt nothing. If there was something, Peter was fighting hard enough to ignore it. The man continued.

"ржавый."

That did something. Peter felt it-somewhere deep inside his mind. But how? How was this working on him? Why?  _Why?_

"семнадцать." 

"No," Peter whispered. "Don't." But he wasn't believing it because how? How was this even working? Why was it working? He didn't think it worked on-

"рассвет." 

"No no no no no," Peter was muttering because he was starting to feel it. There was something...pushing all his thoughts back, overpowering him and taking control of his emotions and his will. He started thinking things...things he wouldn't normally think...things he has never thought about in his life and that he just wanted to throw out of his head and-

"печь." 

That one was difficult. It was almost pain, and all these foreign thoughts were so horrifying and strange. Peter started getting dizzy, his head in a battle with something that was killing everything that made him  _him._

"девять."

It was getting harder and harder to resist, the force pushing further and further. Images filled Peter's head and his heartbeat was getting faster and faster. Peter started losing sight of who he was. It started to hurt, as well.

The man made a noise as if he was surprised, surprised that this was working, surprised that Peter was giving in. "доброкачественный."

Peter gritted his teeth and groaned. He heard the man smirk. Things were filling his head more and more and Peter couldn't push anything back. He was helpless, completely helpless.

_What's my name again?_

"возвращение домой."

Peter screamed. It cut through his head, destroying everything he knew, everything he thought, everything he felt. He tried to hold on to memories and feelings but it all slipped away before he could do anything. 

"один."

It was horrible, absolutely horrible. Peter stopped screaming but he knew his head was emptying of everything it was once full of. The thoughts-the other thoughts-have made him somebody else. He didn't feel like himself. It was terrifying and Peter was helpless as his brain filled with pictures of what he was to become.

"грузовой автомобиль."

It was too hard. One final wave of pain hit his brain and Peter was glad when he was falling unconscious, glad that he was escaping from all these images in his head, glad that it was slowly going away.

He was glad he still had some hope.

_**Month Two** _

They did it a lot. It got stronger over time, affected him more. It became alarmingly easy to give in. Sometimes, Peter found that he didn't have to fight. It's like he _wanted_ what was happening.

Soldiers pushed him around more. The experiments were longer and Peter woke up in his cell caked in blood more and more. The food was horrible, but it was enough for him. They needed to keep him well fed for the best results, he guessed.

He handled everything as best as he could in the second month, even though he wasn't okay. He wasn't at all okay. 

When he woke up in his cell almost every night, he cried. He cried because he would never see any of his friends anymore. At least, not in the same way. He cried because he let everybody down. He cried because he was changing. He felt it, every day, a part of him die. He felt Peter Benjamin Parker dying. He cried because he knew it was the end.

He always thought he'd have more time. He didn't think it was going to be so soon, and so terrible. That made everything worse.

But he was still holding on to hope.

_**Month Three** _

Peter hated it.

He hated the soldiers that beat him up and he hated the scientists that poked at him every day and he hated Sorrento who came to talk to him often with a joyful voice as if Peter was fine. He hated the compound, which he couldn't learn his way around because everything looked the exact _goddamn_ same.

At the end of the third month, Peter had enough. He was done.

As soon as he lied down on the table in the experiment room, which he came into every single day, he snatched a scalpel from the cart and plunged it into his arms. He screamed at the top of his lungs as he did so, because the pain was _just-_

But he didn't stop. Blood poured down his arms and people were screaming all around him and Peter jumped off the table to dodge the scientist grabbing for the scalpel and he was calling for soldiers and Peter took a deep breath, thought of Tony for the last time, thought of everybody he has ever loved, and positioned the scalpel.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and with closed eyes moved to sink the scalpel into his stomach.

Just before the metal blade even made contact with the skin, a gloved hand grabbed Peter's hand and pulled it back. He wrestled the scalpel out of Peter's hands, which were red with blood. He didn't put up much of a fight, though, because he was getting so lightheaded it was hard to be focused on anything. So, Peter collapsed.

He didn't have much hope left.

_**Month Four** _

What he did put their experiments on hold until he got better. At least he accomplished that.

Sorrento came to talk to him when he woke up. He yelled at Peter, called him foolish and stupid and said that if he ever tried anything like that again, he would go after someone from his family. Peter's mind instantly went to Tony. He would never, ever do anything that would put Tony in danger. Even if it meant putting himself through torture.

And, weirdly enough, torture it became.

Because they stopped using anesthesia and painkillers. 

He was awake and alert the entire time they performed their experiments. Screaming in pain and terror became a part of every day. Peter has never felt anything so horrible in his life and he thought it would never stop. It was so bad that Peter wished for death every night.

He was definitely not the same person anymore.

He didn't even remember the meaning of hope. 

_**Month Five** _

He eventually came to the conclusion that nobody was looking for him and nobody was ever going to find him, ever. Although, if he still had hope, it wouldn't matter because the brainwashing was working almost perfectly now.

He could be under the influence of it for a whole day before waking up from it. They'd make him do things...things Peter wanted to rid his mind of but couldn't. 

It seemed impossible to smile, to laugh, to look happy. His face was blank day after day, no hint of emotion. He did what he was told. He didn't resist anymore. He just followed his orders.

They put him in a new place. _The special place,_ they called it. _For the special people._ It was just a hallway with 10 rooms. Pretty much the same thing he's been seeing for months. 

Peter's room was one of the middle ones. All 10 doors were on the left side, and there was only one big one on the right, but Peter never went through there. The special room was just experiments again. Nothing new. Nothing special.

Just like him.

_**Month Six** _

He didn't know who he was. He didn't know anything. Not anything outside of following orders from HYDRA. 

They told him he was nothing, so he was nothing. They told him he was pretty much worthless, so he was pretty much worthless. They told him his only purpose was serving HYDRA, so his only purpose was serving HYDRA. They told him nobody loved or cared about him, so nobody loved or cared about him.

Day after day.

But, one day, something different.

Peter was in the special room, as always, when an explosion sounded somewhere in the compound and the building shook.

"What was that?" Peter asked, his voice monotone, as usual. But this time, there was something else to it. The scientists around him started going in and out of the room, talking into their radios. More and more explosions started coming, closer and closer. Alarms were blaring. 

Peter sat up on the table, looking around, waiting. After a couple of chaotic minutes, a scientist layed him back down and injected him with a blue liquid. Peter knew what it was; it was going to put him out. 

"What's goin' 'n?" he slurred, he slurred, his vision becoming blurry and his mind fuzzy. 

That was the last he saw of the HYDRA compound.

**_Later_ **

He woke up in a bed with a white shirt on, screens and medical equipment all around him. A big window was across from him. Things were inserted into his arms. 

_This isn't HYDRA. This is...I think I've seen this-_

Pain flared up in his head, clouding his vision and Peter screamed out louder then he's ever screamed before.

_I am a soldier I am a soldier I am a soldier nothing else nothing else nothing else..._

**_\---_ **

There were men.

One had brown hair and the other had blonde hair. There was even a lady...with red hair?

Peter was angry, angry that these people stole him away, angry that he's been asleep, angry that-

_But wait._

_I think I know who-_

The pain came again and Peter dropped to his knees and they touched him but he had to fight back, didn't he? He couldn't let them do anything to him again-

And then a sudden sting-

The girl with the red hair-

And Peter saw black.

\---

His arms strapped down.

His legs strapped down.

Screens and medical equipment around him.

And the brown-haired man staring at him through the window.

And even though Peter was dizzy and confused, he looked at the man and he saw-

He saw that he was crying.

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**"what do i do?"**

* * *

 

"How is he?" Natasha asked as Steve walked into the common room with a dull look on his face. 

"Still there, waiting." He dropped down onto a couch. "He hasn't moved from his spot."

"I'm so worried about him," Wanda muttered. 

"Yeah, this whole Peter thing isn't very good for his mental health."

"No kidding...I just hope he doesn't do anything stupid again," Clint said. 

"I don't know, I think as long as Peter's alive, Tony won't try anything," Rhodes said.

Steve nodded. "That's true." 

"It's still not good," Sam said. 

"Of course it's not, but at least he's not trying to jump off the Tower or anything."

"I just wish we knew what's happening to Peter." He looked at Natasha. "Have you tried to contact Thor?"

"Yeah. He said he's busy with Asgardian stuff but he'll think about what could be happening."

"Did Bruce find anything?" Clint asked.

Steve shook his head. "Not by himself, no, but he wants to contact S.H.I.E.L.D. to discuss it. He thinks maybe they have a clue as to what's going on since they've had more experience with HYDRA."

"Wait," Vision suddenly said and looked at Bucky. "Wouldn't you know?"

"Vis," Wanda whispered.

"N-no, it's fine," Bucky said. "I...I don't know for sure what's happening to him but I know the obvious...HYDRA messed with his mind."

The room went silent. Everyone knew since the first incident that something was wrong in Peter's head. None of them ever said it, though, especially not around Tony. They were worried it would trigger something if he heard that Peter wasn't the same anymore, even though he surely knew it himself. 

Nobody knew what exactly happened to Peter in the last six months, and none of them wanted to even begin to imagine it.

\------

Bruce cursed as he looked over Peter's x-rays again. He muttered to himself as he checked his vitals. He tapped his fingers on his leg as he released yet another liquid into Peter's body. 

As slow as it was, Peter was thankfully recovering. The cuts he opened were stitched up again and he was secured onto the bed so if he woke up he wouldn't be able to hurt himself or others again. He was resting, so that was good.

What wasn't good was that Bruce had absolutely no idea what was going on.

He didn't know what caused Peter to act the way he did a day ago. He didn't know why he was in so much pain. He knew it couldn't have been from the wounds on his stomach because it was something with his head. But Bruce couldn't find anything wrong _anywhere._ There wasn't anything that gave any explanation as to what was happening to Peter. 

He felt useless and guilty for not being able to do anything other than keep Peter asleep and healthy. That was something, sure, but whatever was going on in Peter's head was a whole other story, and Bruce didn't know it.

Bruce glanced over at Tony through the big window. He was sitting in a chair outside of the room, trying his best to stay awake. Bruce could see that he was exhausted. He hadn't slept in a long time and he refused to rest until Peter was better. Bruce didn't know when that was going to happen. 

He kept looking over the scans, trying to locate whatever was causing Peter pain and maybe something to explain the fact that he didn't seem to know anybody when he first woke up.

Bruce had been at it for hours and he was getting tired and frustrated, so he decided to do one last scan and call it a day. He wasn't doing much, anyway. 

It took a moment for the images to come onto the huge screen in front of Bruce. For about the hundredth time, Bruce looked at all of them, searching. Everything was still the same.

Then, Bruce came to the scan of Peter's head. 

At first, Bruce didn't notice anything out of place, but then his eyes landed on something. Something new. Something that wasn't there before. 

Bruce jumped out of his chair, his heart rate speeding up. He stared for a moment before zooming in on the object that was located right inside the left side of Peter's head behind the ear. It was a tiny, thin rectangle-shaped piece that seemed to be made out of metal. It looked like it had hair-thin wires coming out of it on the sides that connected to other things. Bruce frowned as he inspected the object from all sides.

He'd never seen anything like it, and he didn't understand why it popped up just then when Bruce had been there all day looking at the scans. 

"FRIDAY," he said. "What is this?"

\------

Tony forced his eyes open once again. They were as heavy as bricks and his body was begging him to just close them and sleep, but Tony promised he wouldn't until he knew what was happening to Peter and that he was going to be okay. 

It had been hours since he had eaten, drank water, or talked to anyone. He was either pacing in front of the window, staring at Peter through the glass, or sitting in the chair. Bruce was still in the room, keeping Peter asleep and resting. He wasn't sure if Bruce was making any progress, but he was going to wait until something happened.

Tony also partly didn't want to sleep because he knew he would have terrible nightmares about this. When Peter first "died", Tony had non-stop nightmares for about two months. They were part of the reason that Tony tried to kill himself multiple times. They were all different; some had Peter dying in horrifying deaths, others had Tony failing to save him, and the rest were so sick that Tony couldn't bear thinking about them.

Now that Peter was back and acting like he didn't know anybody and Tony wasn't ready for the nightmares. He hoped with all his heart that Peter was alright and that Bruce was going to figure out what was happening and bring his kid back. He wanted nothing more.

Tony was just beginning to lift his closing eyelids again when Bruce suddenly burst out of the lab. Tony's eyes flashed right open and he jumped out of his chair. He didn't feel tired anymore.

"Bruce?"

The man looked at him and then took off down the hall to the exit. Tony glanced at Peter through the window and followed Bruce, who was running through the med bay. He exited with Tony just behind him, calling to him. Bruce wasn't answering, but Tony wasn't backing down.

Bruce took two steps at a time as he bolted up the spiral staircase to the common room level. The Avengers all stood up with surprised looks as Bruce ran into the room, Tony right beside him.

"Bruce!" he pressed. "What? What's going on?"

"What happened?" Steve asked, moving forwards. Natasha went over to put her hands on Tony's shoulders in a comforting gesture, but Tony just shook her off. "Bruce!"

"I...know what's happening to Peter."


	11. Chapter 11

**"i don't know what to tell you"**

* * *

"I've never seen anything like it...it's...it's extraordinary, it's terrifying," Bruce said, lost in his thoughts as he led everybody down the stairs and to the med bay. Tony was tapping him, yelling at him, trying to get Bruce to tell him what's happening to Peter. He even tried to hit the doctor, but Natasha restrained him before he could cause any damage.

"What's happening? Tell me! What's going on?!" he screamed. 

"It's easier to show you," Bruce replied, surprisingly calm, even though his thoughts were scattered and his stomach was turning. 

They entered the lab where Peter lay motionless-save for his chest rising and falling with light breaths-on the bed. Peter looked so frighteningly peaceful, as if the past few days didn't exist. However, the cuts and bruises on his face brought them back into the harsh reality. 

Bruce sat down in front of all the monitors, which appeared to be displaying scans of Peter's body. Bruce clicked on one-a scan of Peter's head-and zoomed in on a spot behind his left ear. "Look," he said. They all stared at the image, looking for anything out of the ordinary that Bruce was referring to. When there were no reactions, Bruce pointed to a spot. 

And there it was. A small, thin rectangle-shaped object with tiny wires or something like that coming out of it and disappearing in the head. 

"What is that?" Sam asked, squinting at the picture.

"At first, I didn't know either. I've never encountered it before. I asked FRIDAY and she had a little bit of information about it, its parts, the origins. It only took a couple closer scans and FRIDAY's help to figure it out."

"So what does it do?" Tony asked, his voice pleading.

"I don't have a name for it, but...it...basically, it is used to...it's very hard to explain, but here's its function in Peter's head: whenever Peter starts remembering anything from his life before HYDRA, like us, his friends, his school, this thing causes him to experience severe pain in his head, and that sort of...for lack of a better term, eliminates the returning memories until it happens again. HYDRA was clever; they knew they should be prepared if anything ever happened that would take Peter away from their hands, and they didn't want all their work on him to be erased if he remembered everything from before, so they installed this...this chip to make sure that Peter never stopped being what they made him; a soldier loyal to HYDRA and HYDRA alone."

Silence. Complete and utter silence.

Everybody's faces went pale and their expressions were blank as they processed what Bruce told them. None of them moved other than Tony, who had to sit down in a chair beside Peter's bed. They couldn't believe what they heard.

After a long, long couple minutes of quiet, Steve said, "What do we do?"

"There is...one way to do it. But it's risky. It could result in a lot of damage to his brain, or..."

"Or what?" Wanda asked, fearing the answer.

"Or death."

"No!" Tony cried, on his feet in an instant. The Avengers jumped. "Peter is not going to die. He can't. He's been through enough already and I don't care what it takes, Bruce, I don't care what you have to use or do or sacrifice, but you are going to bring Peter back, you are going to make him the way he was before. I don't care if you say it's dangerous because Peter is the strongest kid I've ever seen or met or heard of and you are a remarkable doctor, so you are going to succeed in this and Peter is going to be just fine." Tony paused to breathe and he realized he was crying, his face wet from the tears that slipped out of his sad eyes. Everybody stared at him, not sure how to respond to this. "He's going to be fine," Tony whispered and sat back down. 

Rhodes put a hand on his shoulder and Natasha said, "He is. He's going to be just fine."

"I'll do everything I can, Tony, but this procedure requires everybody here."

They all frowned. Vision said, "But the surgery only takes one person. You're the only one qualified and the only one needed to take the chip out of Peter's head."

"But that's not what I was going to do."

Now, everybody was confused. "Why not?"

"HYDRA's cleverness didn't stop there. They made this chip embedded in the skin and attached to vital parts of the head. Even the best surgeon in the world couldn't take the chip out and not sever something important."

"Then...what's your plan?" Bucky asked. He was shocked by this information. HYDRA never used it on him or even told him about it. He wished he could help with figuring out how to deactivate it, but this was the first time he'd heard of it. It terrified him. He knew HYDRA was ruthless. They'd do anything to accomplish their goals, but doing something like this to a child...it made him sick.

"This chip is designed to keep away memories, right? Well, what happens when there are too many memories?"

"It can't keep everything out," Natasha said.

"Right. We have to overwhelm Peter with memories to make it too much for the chip to handle. When it's enough, it'll shut down."

"How do we do that?"

"When we do it, we'll need to gather everything that has a memory behind it, something to trigger that in Peter's mind. For example, a photograph, or an object, or certain words said that have meaning to Peter. I'll explain what has to be done when the time comes for it, but it should work."

"But won't that hurt him?" Tony said, his face full of worry and despair.

"Unfortunately, yes. The chip will try and prevent Peter from remembering anything, but it's the only way that will bring Peter back. As I said, it's a risk. It can result badly. Nevertheless, it's our only hope."

\------

**Hey guys!**

**I obviously haven't updated in a while because of school and other stuff in my personal life but I am so ready to get back into this story. Excpect more frequent updates! I hope you're all enjoying this and that it's worth the read!**

**Till next time :D**

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**"i just wish i knew how to fix this"**

* * *

 

"Peter," Tony whispered as he grabbed the boy's bruised and limp hand. He didn't respond, and his pale, cold skin gave the impression that he was dead, if it weren't for the slight rises and falls of his chest. Tony stared at Peter for a minute, taking in his features as if it was going to be the last time that he saw him. Tony gripped Peter's hand and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," he finally choked out. He broke down way sooner than he thought he would. Two tears rolled down his cheeks and he quickly wiped them away even though there was nobody to see him cry. He dropped to his knees and put his forehead to Peter's fingers. His soft sobs filled the silent lab. "I'm sorry, kid. I n-I never meant for it-" Tony covered his mouth with his free hand and drew circles into Peter's hand with his thumb. 

"You're going to get hurt," Tony eventually said, looking up at Peter. "You're going to get hurt even more, and I'm so, so terribly sorry for that. I wish there was another way, but Bruce said that there isn't and I trust him, so...we're going to do this, but you're going to be fine, alright? I don't know if you can hear me, but-but..." Tony took a shaky breath. "God, kid, please. I know you can make it through, so, _please._ Please be okay. I need you to be okay for me, alright? 'Cause if you're not..."

Tony bit his lip, not wanting to finish that sentence. There was nothing that he wouldn't give to ensure Peter's safety in all of this. Bruce said this would hurt him, and that there was the possibility of brain damage and even death. Tony felt like he had been dragged even deeper down into the dark void that was slowly consuming him every minute. The thought of losing Peter twice to the same fate terrified him more than anything. He was sure that Peter was strong enough. He was going to be okay. He had to be.

Tony, unsteadily, stood up and kissed Peter's forehead. "I love you," he said, so quietly he wasn't even sure it was audible. "I love you."

**\-----**

Steve stood in the middle of Peter's room, looking at everything in turn. He remembered all of this being put together, all the arranging and choosing. There was so much personality in there. So much _Peter._

Steve strolled over to Peter's desk. All his old web-shooter and suit sketches and books were still on the table, messily thrown on top of each other. His pens and pencils were strewn about. His recycling bin under the desk was overflowing with paper and candy wrappers. The multiple bookcases on the right of the desk still held the few hundred books that Peter collected over time. Most of them were about all kinds of topics within science, of course. Steve smiled sadly when he noticed a tiny replica of the Eiffel Tower sitting on one of the shelves. He remembered Peter telling him about it-his aunt gave it to him, saying that it was his mother's once. From the time when she and Peter's dad visited Paris. The trip was a surprise from Richard to Mary. She always wanted to go to Paris. Steve turned the little trinket over in his hands, taking in the fine detail. After a moment, he pocketed it and continued to walk through the room.

Peter's lego collection was ridiculous. There were shelves upon shelves of completed Star Wars Lego sets, a lot of them even spilling out onto the floor. Steve didn't know when Peter put together all of it and still had time to do everything else. There were a few puzzles stacked on top of each other against the wall, and right above them, all the posters started. Movies, video games, singers, old bands. Peter had posters of everything Steve could imagine decorating all four of the beige walls. 

Peter's twin bed was the same, his dark blue blanket and pillow in the same place as always. The bedside table had a lightsaber-lamp and a picture frame of the entire team with Peter in the middle. Steve remembered the day that picture was taken. The team just came back from a month-long mission in Italy and Peter felt the need to celebrate their great victory. It was a pretty memorable win, Steve had to admit. 

He smiled at the memory of Peter's excitement from that mission. He helped out the team a lot and was proud of himself that he finally was a part of a big and important mission with the Avengers. It was heartwarming.

He knelt down to open Peter's drawers. He found a couple of notebooks and stacks of Pokemon cards. Steve snickered. Of course Peter would have these lying around somewhere. Off to the side were the doors to Peter's closet. Steve opened them up and scanned the clothes that Peter owned. Lots of science pun shirts and hoodies. Steve laughed again. 

He didn't realize he was crying until he turned away from the closet and got another look at the room with a full view. The sun from the window above Peter's bed gave the room a nice shine. All the personality in this room, all the memories of Peter. Steve felt a tear slide down his face and swiped it off. He took out his phone and snapped a couple photos of the room. Before he left, he grabbed the picture of the team together and made sure he still had the Eiffel Tower. 

Steve exited the room and gently closed the door behind him.

\------

"It's not fair," Wanda whispered, staring down at her boots. 

"No, it's not. It shouldn't have been like this," Natasha replied, looking straight ahead as she kept Wanda's pace. They were wandering through the halls of the med bay, talking about the recent events. 

"Do you think it was our fault?"

Natasha sighed deeply. She thought for a moment before answering, "No. We couldn't have known."

"We could've tried harder."

"But-"

"I know. We thought he was dead. There was proof in front of us. I just...I feel like we failed him."

Natasha stayed silent. Despite her toughness and seriousness about almost everything she did, Natasha had a soft spot for Peter. She shared Bucky's opinion about him at first. She didn't need somebody else to worry about on the team. She didn't need that weight and responsibility on her shoulders. But, as he did for everybody, Peter grew on her and soon enough, they were like brother and sister. They looked out for each other and told jokes and went out together when they had time. Natasha really did love him.

And Wanda was right: they did fail him. All of them failed Peter. They gave up so easily, even though there was no way of knowing that Peter wasn't really dead. From the moment that she set her eyes on Peter back at the HYDRA compound, she regretted everything she did in the past six months because she knew she should have been looking for her kid. She had a better way of hiding it, but she was devastated as well. Natasha just knew that she needed to stay strong for everybody else.

"We'll get him back," was all she said. "What are you going to show him?"

Wanda went silent. Natasha turned to look at her, but Wanda was staring at something in front of them. Natasha turned back and gasped. She stopped moving. The entire team was standing in the hallway. All of them and Peter was right in the middle of the crowd. Everyone was talking to him and shaking his hand. He looked so happy. So happy that Natasha felt pain in her chest. Tony put his arm around Peter and grinned. Peter said something and everyone laughed. Natasha laughed, too, even though she didn't know what he said. 

It occured to her that it wasn't real. Wanda was creating a hallucination. An image for her to see. It felt so real, though. It felt like everyone was really there with Peter, smiling and laughing.

It was gone a few seconds later.

Natasha took a minute to return to reality. She sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "Wow, uh...that was...that was...that'll definitely work." She giggled. "He was so happy."

"I know. That's why I'm going to show him that. With a couple changes, maybe. I should include his girlfriend. Anyways, what about you?"

Natasha smiled and pulled something out of her pocket. It was a little 3D spider, like the one on Peter's chest. There was a button on top. Natasha pushed it and a blade shot out of the front and back. Wanda raised her eyebrows. "It was something I gave him a long time ago. I told him that he should have it just in case he needed to protect himself."

"Peter would never kill anybody, though."

"Exactly. You should have seen the look on his face, poor kid. It was funny, but I still made him take it. I told him it could save his life one day. And then I told him the story of how-"

Peter's pained scream erupted in the med bay, causing Natasha and Wanda to cover their ears. They didn't waste a second, immediately rushing back to the lab where Peter was held. The team was just arriving as well. Peter was squirming on the bed with tears streaming down his face like rivers and blood covered his palms. Natasha's mouth fell open when she realized that Peter cut his own skin with his fingernails, which were still being pushed into the wounds. The white sheets were crimson red again.

Tony pushed past everyone, following Bruce into the lab. 

"I leave for one minute!" Bruce exclaimed. He pressed a few buttons on the monitors and typed in some commands, and soon enough blue liquid was being transferred into Peter's body. It worked-kind of. Peter's thrashes became less violent but he wasn't passing out. He wasn't going unconscious. Peter started crying and moving around again. He groaned, in pain.

"No," Bruce muttered. "No no no no no."

"What? Bruce, please," Tony said, on the brink of tears. Peter continued sobbing.

"Okay, I hope you're all ready, because we're doing this now."

"What? I thought you needed to prep him!" Rhodes said, confused, just like everyone else. 

"The chip...it's doing what I feared it would do. It's going to kill him."

 _"What?"_ almost the entire team cried in unison.

"Uh, uh...HYDRA must have had some routines and practices to keep Peter in order, to make sure that he stayed a soldier like they wanted him to. To make sure that his mindset didn't change. This chip-if it doesn't detect the effects of those practices to Peter in his brain-starts to make him feel pain all by itself, without the help of Peter remembering things. The longer Peter doesn't go back to doing what HYDRA was making him do, the more this chip is going to hurt him. Eventually, it'll kill him."

"But that doesn't make any sense! I thought HYDRA only wanted to prevent him from remembering his past. I thought they didn't want him dead!" Steve yelled, frustrated by the fact that he didn't have a clue as to what was going on. 

"I thought so too, but clearly, this thing was programmed to kill Peter if he wasn't acting properly."

"So what do we do?" Vision asked.

"What we've been planning. We're going to destroy this chip once and for all."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware, this was painful for me to write...

**"i can try to fix you"**

* * *

 

"Steve, help me," Bruce said as he started to take out the IVs in Peter's arms. Steve didn't move for a moment, a little stunned from the whole situation. "Steve!" Bruce cried. The man broke out of his trance and ran over to the doctor. 

"What do I do?" 

"Hold him down while I unlock his restraints," Bruce said as he finished removing all the IVs. Steve called Natasha over so she could hold Peter's legs while Steve took care of his upper body. Bruce typed commands into the computers, mumbling to himself, his fingers shaking as he moved them. "Alright, here we go. As soon as they're opened, you two move him...over there."

Steve, Natasha, and the rest looked to where Bruce was pointing. There, across the lab, was a heavy-looking metal chair equipped with the same restraints as on the bed. Tony's disapproving sigh was audible above all the commotion and Peter's heavy breathing and muttering. Sam put a hand on his shoulder.

"On three. One, two, three!"

Bruce entered the last command and all the metal restraints unlocked with a satisfying click. Steve and Natasha simultaneously lifted Peter up and started carrying him to the other side of the lab. The boy, upon realizing that he was free, started squirming violently in their arms. Rhodey came over to them and helped the two keep Peter still. As soon as they reached the chair, they dropped him into it and a split second later, the restraints turned on and clipped around Peter's arms and legs. 

Peter tried yanking his hands out, growling at Bruce, who was holding a tablet from which he must have activated the chair's functions. Peter's low growls turned into shouts as he viciously tried to get himself out of the chair. He was pulling on his arms so hard that his wrists started bleeding, the crimson blood smearing all over the armrests. 

Tony put a hand up to his mouth and looked out the large, wide window. The setting sun cast a beautiful glow all over the city and the buildings reflected the bright light. This was accompanied by the vast sky, which was a mix of blue, pink, purple, and orange. It looked so peaceful and gorgeous, so different from what was happening inside Avengers Tower. Tony turned his attention back to the situation before him. Peter was still squirming around, desperately trying to get out.

While everybody stared at Peter with unbelief and confusion, Bucky knew that Peter was acting a little differently because being trapped in a chair with people he didn't know all around him was something that he had experienced before. HYDRA probably had a similar setup, and Peter knew what was going to happen to him because it's happened in the past. Bucky was pretty sure whatever it was, it was something that Peter wanted to forget.

Bucky knew what that felt like all too well. 

"Okay, we have to get started. We don't have much time." 

"This better work," Steve said.

"I must remind you all that there is a pretty great chance that Peter...will die," Bruce announced solemnly. The room was completely silent except for Peter's grunts of effort. "This chip can kill him before we succeed or its destruction can cause a lot of damage...there are so many things that can go wrong, but this is our only chance."

"We trust you, Bruce," Natasha whispered, smiling at the doctor.

Bruce continued, "I'll also remind everyone that this will hurt Peter as the chip will try to prevent him from remembering anything. That being said, you have to realize that if and when Peter will feel pain, you can't stop talking to him or showing him anything that will trigger his memories. Stopping puts us a step back, and that's the last thing we need. So, no matter how difficult it will be to watch, you have no other choice."

The Avengers nodded between each other, ready to save Peter. Ready to bring him back.

Tony apologized to Peter in his head. He felt terrible that Peter didn't even know what was about to happen. So, Tony apologized and prayed that Peter made it out just fine.

Bruce injected Peter with another drug and the boy calmed down a little bit, although he glared at each of them in turn, sending all his hatred and anger into his looks. "Alright, let's get started. Who wants to go first?"

\------

Sam stepped up to the front of the group and kneeled before Peter, who quit struggling so much and focused all his attention on Sam.

The man smiled at Peter and reached into his pocket and pulled something out. It was an eraser sized black metal spider, like the one on Peter's suit. Sam turned it over in his hands, making sure it was visible to Peter.

"When you first came to live with us, you and I were cool with each other. We weren't super close, but I'd say we were friends. And then, after you heard Rhodes make a joke about my suit once, you started making fun of it, too. As a joke, I hope. Then, this sort of...feud between us started. Whenever we'd get the chance, we'd insult each other in every way possible, and we'd get a good laugh out of it as well. My favourite thing to say to you, because it shut you up, was, 'You know, birds eat spiders.'"

Peter suddenly inhaled sharply and squeezed his eyes shut. 

"It's working," he heard someone say behind him.

"But one day, Mr. Peter Parker," Sam continued, "You took it to another level." Peter stared at Sam, waiting for him to go on as if he was really interested. "You set up a camera in my room-creepy, by the way-and put this little spider bot in my bed, and when I was asleep, the stupid thing shocked me with electricity so hard that I jumped out and screamed my ass off, mostly from the surprise." Somebody snickered behind Sam. He resisted the urge to turn around and show them a certain something.

"I still remember how you were dying of laughter after that when you came to get the camera. You could barely hold on to your webs as I chased you out. And the very next day, you played the video on every TV in the Tower, but you edited little chicken wings onto my back and added a sound effect to make it look as if I, a chicken, was flapping out of bed." Sam looked down at his phone, tapped something, and held it out so that Peter could watch. 

The Avengers waited as Peter watched the video, his eyes dancing around the screen. When the chicken sound effect played, they all saw something, something amazing. 

A smile. 

A tiny hint of one, though, the left side of Peter's mouth tugging upward, but it was wonderful. 

And then, he started screaming. 

It wasn't as bad as before and it didn't last for very long, but it still meant that Sam made him remember.

"I'll go next," Rhodes said, walking up to Peter. "Remember that time when you wanted me to teach you how to shoot and I took you out of town for some practice?"

"What?" Tony cried, his jaw dropping. Rhodes put up a hand.

"It was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. When I showed you how to hold the gun and aim, you wanted to try it yourself, so I let you have it...that was a big mistake. You fired the first shot, panicked because of the kick or the sound, fell back and fired three more shots into the air and two to the sides, almost shooting me in the head."

Rhodes and some of the others laughed, and Peter started to breathe heavily again, groaning. "Look, I caught a picture before I had to duck." Rhodes held out a photograph of Peter wearing protective gear and falling backwards. He wore a terrified expression on his face and held a 45 Calibre gun in his right hand. There was a flash of light right in front of the barrel of the gun, indicating that Peter just fired. 

Peter started pleading, pleading for it to stop.

"And then you looked at me when everything calmed down before either of us said or did anything, and you told me, 'Please don't tell Tony.'"

Peter started crying and whimpering as the pain seemingly intensified, adding on to earlier. Bruce nodded at Rhodes.

"I'm sorry, what the _hell?"_ Tony cried, drawing all the attention to himself. "You took _my_ kid out to teach him how to _shoot a gun without my permission?"_

"Well, Tony, he really wanted to learn and knew you'd say no!"

"You had absolutely no right to do that!" 

Peter was laughing.

It was quiet, tiny, barely there, but he was laughing. It was amazing.

And then it happened again: he scrunched up his face and screamed once again as tears slipped from his eyes. _"Stop...please, stop..."_

"I will go, please," Vision volunteered. He pulled up a chair beside Peter and smiled at him. "You are a brilliant young man, Peter. Clever, bright. Always. And, I guess when you came to live here, you were kind of curious about me, because I'm the artificial intelligence, right? I guess you wanted to know who was smarter because one day, you challenged me to a competition. 'The Battle of the Brains' you called it."

Peter hissed and bit his lip.

"So, on the night of this event, you had Tony Stark prepare questions about science and mathematics so he could ask them and we would see who was the smarter genius. It was amusing to me, to see you so confident and sure that you would be faster and cleverer than me. Of course, I didn't doubt that you'd be wonderful, and you were. I have to say, I got a little worried halfway through our game. I underestimated you. I've never met anybody like you.

"I won, as expected, but you were being quite polite about it. And then you said something to me that I will never forget, something that changed me forever. I told you that sometimes, with all my knowledge and the computers, with everything that made me artificial, I sometimes barely felt like I had any emotions, any feelings, even though I was evolving into a human. I didn't feel like one. And with a smile, you said to me, 'I think you're the most human AI out there. Definitely one of the coolest, too.'"

Peter moaned and gripped his red armrests so tightly that his knuckles turned paper white. _"Stop stop stop stop stop,"_ he muttered, holding back a sob. He sniffed and repeated the words over and over again, eventually crying audibly again. The pain seemed to grow with every memory and Peter was losing his calmness once again. He was shifting in the chair and shaking his head and cursing and talking to someone, something.

Clint took Vision's place on the chair. "Hey, bud. I know we weren't that close, but I still care about you, and there is one memory of you that I always looks back at and laugh. A few months after you joined the team, remember how you constantly kept asking to try out my bow? You'd ask when I was in a good mood, like when we used to play Mario Kart together?" 

Peter winced.

"Each time, I'd say no, of course. There was no way I was giving you my bow. So one night, like the bugger you are, you stole it while I was sleeping. What's with you causing trouble while everyone unconscious? Anyways, in the morning, everyone woke up and do you know what we found? The kitchen was a wreck. It was like a goddamn tornado ran through there, Peter, I'm not even exaggerating! There were bits of glass and pieces of plates on the floor, the walls were cracked and some of the windows broken, and you were standing in the middle of it all, my bow in your shaking hands, my quiver of arrows slung over your shoulders, and a guilty expression on your face. "

Peter gritted his teeth and twisted in the chair. He dug his nails into his palms, causing the wounds to start bleeding again. The blood trickled down his palm and then down the metal chair, eventually collecting in a pool on the floor. He was trying so hard to endure the pain the chip was causing him.

"To this day, we don't know how you managed to destroy the kitchen or how none of us heard anything. You never did tell us, even after Tony grounded you for two weeks. You better tell us after this, or else..." Clint stopped, looking down at his lap. The smile disappeared from his face. He sighed and looked back up at Peter. "Listen to me, Pete. This isn't who you are, and deep down, you know it. You know that you're different, that you're better. You are kind, smart, humble. You possess pretty much every known good quality. How you're acting right now, what you're doing...it's not you."

This actually seemed to freeze Peter. He stopped moving around and instead looked lost in deep thought as Clint changed places with Natasha.  

"Hey, Spider," Natasha playfully said. Peter flinched. His face was red and wet with tears and sweat as he looked, almost fearfully, into her eyes. Almost as if he knew that everything these people were going to say to him was going to cause him pain.

"I once offered you this, as a gift." Natasha pulled out the spider figure and pressed the button so they knives popped out of each end. Peter flinched even harder. "I wanted to give this to you so you'd have something other than your webs to protect yourself, but you told me you'd never kill another person, so you didn't take it. Did you hear that, Peter? You'd never kill another person."

 _"Oh, God, stop stop, make it stop, please,"_ Peter whispered. Natasha kept going.

"I told you the story of when I was really little, and I was just like you. I didn't want to kill anybody. I couldn't imagine it. The same thing happened to me once: I had a choice. I could have taken a weapon with me for a mission. It was this beautiful sharp dagger, the hilt decorated with gems and intricate designs. I didn't take it, though, because I couldn't fathom killing another person. 

"So, I carried out my task in the mission, I did what I was told, but as I was retreating, I was grabbed by one of the surviving enemy soldiers. He had me pinned against a wall, his hands were around my neck, and I could feel the life draining out of me every second. Just as I was about to pass out, the head of my class came up behind the idiot and stabbed him in the back. She killed him with that same knife, the one that should've been mine. She knew I wouldn't take it, so she made sure that I would realize the importance of having a weapon with me at all times by letting one of the enemy soldiers live and find me. She waited until he almost killed me before saving me. 

"You should've seen the look on your face, Peter. For some reason, you apologized to me, and then...you know what you did?" Natasha paused for effect, but she was mostly thinking about that moment, that moment that would mean nothing to anyone, but meant so much to her. It was when Peter and Natasha became friends because before that, they were just people who knew each other. "You _hugged_ me, Peter."

"NO!" Peter suddenly screamed, making everybody in the room jump. It was quiet while Natasha was telling her story. "I D-I JUST WANT TO-JUST MAKE IT STOP I SWEAR, I'LL DO-I'LL DO ANYTHING JUST PLE- _AHHHHH!"_

Peter was thrashing in his chair, tears leaking from his eyes. 

"Bruce? Is everything okay?" Tony asked, his anxiety growing.

"I-I-I think the chip is...guys, we have to do this fast, he doesn't have more than ten minutes left. We're close, Peter's remembering stuff on his own, too, it seems. All these memories are opening doors to others, and he sees them. It's working."

"Okay, Peter," Bucky said, his tone serious. Peter started trembling. "Remember May?" He held up a picture of Peter and May together, sitting at a table at a cafe and laughing. Peter stared at it for a moment before letting out a sob. "Remember her? You do, don't you? You loved her, Peter, and she loved you. She would do anything for you, and if she saw the condition you're in right now, how do you think she'd react, huh? What about your friends, MJ and Ned? What would they think? They'd be so frightened for you, Peter, so you have to _wake up!"_ Bucky slapped Peter hard across the face.

"Buck!" Steve yelled, but Bruce put up a hand to stop him. 

Bucky raised his metal arm. "Remember when you first met me, remember what you said to me? You said, in this questionably high-pitched voice, "WHOA! You have a metal arm? That is _awesome_ , dude!'"

Peter tilted his head back and jerked in the chair.

"And I pretty much hated you, Peter, and you kept asking me why and I blew you off every time. And...do you remember when you helped me with one of my panic attacks? Steve wasn't there and you were the only one who knew how to deal with it. It wasn't too bad and it was a small act, but it meant a lot to me. You, Peter Parker, you helped me when I was being a piece of shit to you. You were there for me, Peter, when you didn't have to be."

"NO, STOP! JU-JUST STOP IT, I-"

"Okay, let me take over," Steve said, moving Bucky out of the way. "Look, Peter." Steve showed Peter the picture from Peter's room, the one with all the Avengers in it. Peter stared at it for a moment before throwing his head back so hard that he hit the back of it on the top of the chair and there was a loud, clear _crack._

The whole room gasped and cried out as Natasha ran behind Peter and held his head in place. 

"Look! It's us! We're your friends! Your family!" Steve said.

"I DON'T FUCKING KN-OH, GOD, MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!"

Steve felt two tears roll out of his eyes as he took Peter in. He almost didn't want to continue but he remembered Bruce's words. "And-and this is a replica of the Eiffel Tower." Steve took out the little trinket he took from one of Peter's shelves. "Your father took your mom there before you were born. She always wanted to go. And this-" Steve retrieved his phone and showed Peter the photo of his room. "This is your room. Here. This is your _home."_

"NO IT'S NOT, IT'S NOT MY HOME, I DON'T KNOW WH-PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP, I'LL DO ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IF YOU-IF YOU-PLEASE PLEASE STOP!"

Tony was practically sobbing at this point. Seeing his kid in so much pain and distress broke his heart further into millions of pieces. 

Wanda stepped to the front and waved her hands and fingers. A red glow appeared around them and she focused on Peter, creating an image for him to see.

For a few seconds, Peter stopped screaming. He looked amazed and confused and curious all at the same time.

"What are you showing him?" Clint asked.

"Game night, when we played Twister and Monopoly." Some of them chuckled at the sweet memory.

Peter stared in awe at something the Avengers could not see, and he looked almost peaceful. There was a little twinkle in his eye that warmed Tony up inside.

And then what they were all waiting for happened.

Peter gave the loudest scream yet and tore his wrists apart more and bit down so hard on his bottom lip that blood started gushing out almost immediately.

"Tony, you're up. You've got seconds. Wanda, keep the illusion there."

"Peter," Tony whispered. "Peter, my little spider." Tony tried to contain himself, but he started crying anyway. He had to be quick. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I..." Tony came up to Peter and took both of the boy's ice cold hands into his. Peter tried to move away but couldn't. He panted as he stared at Tony.

"When you settled in and became friends with everybody, when you were finally starting to recover from May's death, I decided that we'd both take a day off and spend it together. We flew around New York and showed off our tricks and skills. Then, we visited that science museum downtown that you loved so much and walked around, looking at all the technology and nerding out. In the evening, we went to this cafe that you and May always used to go to. We stayed up 'till midnight, just talking. We told each other everything about our lives, and we connected again. I told you Iron Man stories and you told me about your school and Spider-Man. And...we went back to the Tower and somehow still had some energy left to watch _Empire Strikes Back,_ remember? It was a completely random day, but you and I had so much fun. I'll never forget it.

"But I'm telling this story for the ending. When we went to our rooms to finally sleep, you hugged me for the first time in a long time, and do you remember what you called me when you said goonight? It was an accident, and you apologized for days afterwards, but it was the number one thing that I will never, ever forget, Peter." Tony smiled as his eyes filled up with fresh tears, and he whispered, _"You called me 'Dad'."_

\------

Silence.

Complete and utter silence. 

Even Peter's breaths quieted down. 

Peter stared at Tony with confusion, and then he looked to somewhere behind him-probably the illusion Wanda was creating-and then back to him.

And Peter Parker spoke. He spoke with confidence and sureness, and his eyes were full of recognition and realization.

"Tony."

There was a collective gasp in the room and a relieved laugh from Tony.

But then Peter clenched his fists, closed his eyes, and screamed.

It was louder than ever before, so loud that some of the Avengers put their hands over their ears. As Tony stumbled back, he was pretty sure everyone in the Tower could here, Hell, everyone in Manhattan.

Peter shrieked and sobbed as he writhed in his chair. His nose started bleeding, the blood flowing into his mouth, but Peter didn't even seem to notice. He continued begging and crying and pleading. Tony put his face in his hands. He couldn't watch his poor child go through this any longer.

"I'LL BE GOOD I'LL BE GOOD I'LL OBEY I WON'T STEP OUT OF LINE I AM A SOLDIER I AM A SOLDIER I AM A SOLDIER I'M SORRY DON'T HURT ME DON'T HURT ME I'M SORRY!"

The Avengers watched Peter with horrified expressions. It was like he was possessed. Natasha was holding back tears as she let Peter go.

And then it stopped. Peter stopped screaming, stopped moving altogether.

Tony looked up. Everyone was frozen. Peter's eyes were shut and he was sitting slumped in the chair.

"Bruce?" Tony muttered. "Bruce, is he alive? Did it work? Bruce?"

Everybody turned to look at the doctor, who was staring at his tablet. "It worked. The chip is destroyed."

"Is he alive?" Tony asked, more forcefully this time. _"Bruce?"_

It took a couple of seconds, a couple of painful seconds.

And then Bruce slowly raised his head.

His eyes were wide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I finally wrote it. I hope it was worth it, I really do! Thank you so much to all of who are reading this story, it means so much! Also, just so you know...it's not over for Peter just yet...


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -some swearing  
> :)

**"you can definitely try"**

* * *

_Tony Stark stood on the highest point of New York City, gazing at the concrete jungle and how beautiful it looked at night. It was so bright and alive, so huge. So full of life and opportunity. So wonderful._

_He took another step towards the edge of the balcony of the Avengers Tower._

_So beautiful. So magnificent._

_Tony took off his tux and dropped it onto the floor, taking another step._

_New York City._

_Peter's city._

_A tear slid down the billionaire's face, as many did in the last couple of weeks._

_This is Peter's city._

_Peter Parker's city._

_Who's going to protect it now?_

_He was close to the edge and getting closer. The howling in his ears persisted as his hair was whipped back from his face._

_His heart pounded in his chest and his stomach twisted, but he couldn't stop._

_Step._

_Step._

_"Tony!"  somebody behind him cried._

_Tony closed his eyes, sighing deeply. He was so close. He could just do it, right now, before whoever was behind him grabbed him and dragged him away from the ledge._

_But he didn't._

_Instead, Tony Stark turned around and faced Steve Rogers._

_The man was squinting from the harsh wind blowing into his face, but he came to Tony anyway._

_"Tony," he said again, extending his hand out to him._

_Tony shook his head._

_"Listen. I know it's hard, I know that this isn't going to be something you'll easily forget, but this definitely is not the right way to handle it."_

_"He trusted me, Steve,"  Tony said, his voice cracking as all his weak dams broke once again. "He trusted me to save him and it's all my fault he's gone."_

_"No, Tony, none of this is your fault. None of this was anybody's fault except for whoever took him."_

_"But-"_

_"Tony...this isn't what he would want."_

_The billionaire paused. His mind flashed to Peter's first day at the Tower, how he was nervous around everyone and didn't really know what to do. Then, Peter leaping off the very balcony Tony was standing on and screaming all the way down to the buildings below and shot out a web, swinging with alarmingly high speed through Manhattan. Peter and him working together in the labs, making jokes and exchanging science ideas. Peter hugging Tony and thanking him for everything that he had done._

_For saving him._

I'm sorry,  _he thought._ I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

_"Tony, let's go back in. We'll talk about this. Please."_

_Tony looked back at New York City. It was so tempting._

_But maybe Steve was right. Peter wouldn't want Tony to do this. Ever._

_So, Tony Stark walked back into the safety of the Tower with Steve Roger's hands on his shoulders._

I'm sorry.

\------

"He...he's alive. He made it."

The whole room exploded in laughter, sighs of relief, and smiles. Tony covered his mouth with both hands and fell to his knees. He silently whispered  _thank you, thank you for Peter's life. Thank you for everything. Thank you._

Steve kneeled down in front of Tony. "Hey," he said with a little nudge. "He's alive." 

Tony nodded rapidly and wiped away his tears. He was so happy that he could barely speak. He stood up on shaky legs and stumbled over to Peter, who was still slumped in his chair. Tony dropped down beside him and took Peter's face in his hands. He smiled up at him.

"You did it, Pete," he whispered. "You made it. You're gonna be okay." Tony kissed Peter's forehead and moved some hair out of his eyes. "You're gonna be okay."

Bruce sighed. "God, I was so nervous. I'm glad he made it through that, and it _was_ the hardest part, but it's not the end."

"What's left?" Wanda asked.

"Well, he might not get hurt from remembering anymore, but he's still what HYDRA made him. It'll take some time to change him back."

"Right," Tony said, not looking away from his kid. He stared at him, at the smeared blood, at his bloody hands and forearms, at the ever-present curls in his brown hair, which has grown a little longer than how Peter used to like it.

Tony found himself promising something right then.

He promised Peter that he would do everything he possibly could to bring him back to the Peter Parker he was before. He promised he would hunt HYDRA down until every last one of them was either dead or begging for it. He promised that Peter would be avenged.

That he would keep him safe.

\------

_"Hey, Peter."_

_Tony Stark stepped into Peter Parker's room, which was such a mess it was as if a tornado ran through it...twice._

_There were clothes and papers littering the ground, the desk was overflowing with books and sketches, there were about 200 things pinned to the corkboard above the desk, and the bed was unmade._

_Tony carefully tread through the room, avoiding stepping on anything that wasn't the hardwood floor. "Uh, Pete?"_

_A moment later, the boy's head popped out of the walk-in closet. He was smiling widely._

_"Hey, what's up?" he said as he moved back inside._

_"What's this mess about?"_

_"Sorry," he called, his voice slightly muffled. "I've been so busy these last couple of days that I barely remember to clean or ever have the energy for it."_

_"Oh, I see...may I ask what you're so busy with? Is it homework?"_

_"No, actually," Peter replied, finally coming out of the closet and shutting its door. He was dressed in his Spider-Man suit, the one Tony had built for him some time ago. He tossed his mask onto the bed and fiddled with his web-shooters, seemingly to make sure they were in working order. "It's, um...it's nothing. I've just been patrolling a lot."_

_Tony raised his eyebrows, obviously unconvinced. "No, there's something else going on. Tell me."_

_Peter stared at his feet and wrung his fingers._

_"Peter?" Tony said in that serious tone that he used when he wanted to get things out of people._

_Peter grabbed his mask off the bed and sighed. He motioned towards the corkboard above his crowded desk._

_Tony walked over to it. "It's nine at night, Pete, isn't it a bit late to be..."_

_He trailed off as he realized what all the papers pinned to the board were. They were newspaper clippings and police reports, all focusing on one thing. Something that Tony has heard about and seen on the news and has discussed with the others. Something he didn't want Peter getting involved in, no matter what._

_Tony whirled around to face the teenager. "You're looking for the Queens Killer?!"_

_In the last two weeks, people in Queens were disappearing one by one and coming back in random places, dead, covered in blood. All of them died in different ways, but it was definitely at the hands of a human. There have been no sightings of the killer or witnesses of kidnappings, but he was out there, and the mysterious figure could take his next victim any day._

_"Peter, I am_ not  _going to allow you to go out there all by yourself searching for a_ murderer.  _You're absolutely crazy for thinking that I'd ever let you."  
_

_"But, Tony, Queens is my home and I have to protect it."_

_"You can't get involved in this crap, Peter!"_

_"Why not?"  
_

_"Because you're 15, for God's sake! What if something happens to you?"_

_"But it won't-"_

_"How do you know that? That's right, you don't! So get your ass out of that suit because you're not going anywhere."_

_Peter tried to make a break for the door but Tony pushed him back. Peter's cheeks went red and a fire ignited in his eyes. "Let me go!"_

_"No, Peter, I'm not gonna let you put yourself in danger!"_

_"But it's MY choice, Tony, you have no right to take that away from me."_

_"I-"_

_"And this is my_ job! _I can't let innocent people get killed while I just sit around. You know that."_

_"This is not the way to do it, it's too dangerous."_

_"I have powers! I can protect myself and I'm much more capable than any human to catch this guy!"_

_"I don't care if you have powers, I'm not gonna let you chase after a criminal, a killer."_

_"Tony, please-"_

_"No, Peter, you're not going anywhere."_

_"You can't tell me what to do."_

_"I'm your guardian, Peter."_

_All the emotions inside of Peter suddenly burst."You're not my Dad, Tony Stark, and you never will be!"_

_That comment made Tony freeze in his tracks. His face went pale._

_Peter had said it so harshly, his words so full of irritation and anger. Tony stared at Peter with shock and hurt, not believing what had come out of his mouth. Not believing that sweet, caring Peter Parker just said what he said._

_Tony could see a little bit of guilt growing in Peter's expression. Tony thought for a moment that Peter was going to apologize, but he just glared and pushed past Tony, exiting the room. Tony let him go._

You're not my Dad, Tony Stark, and you never will be.

\------

Tony was sitting beside Peter's bed in the med bay when the boy started to stir. 

Tony immediately snapped out of his thoughts and switched his gaze from nothing to Peter Parker, to his boy. He stood up and looked down at Peter, eyes full of hope.

Peter was still in the bed with the metal restraints, but it was just as a protection for everyone else until Peter was back to normal. Which Bruce didn't know when that would be. Tony still despised the fact that Peter wasn't free yet, but he knew it had to be done and there really was no other option.

"Pete." Tony put a hand on the boy's shoulder, and Peter instantly opened his eyes and looked up at Tony, his expression unreadable. Tony tried to smile, even though the weight of the knowledge that Peter didn't remember him was almost too heavy to handle. "Hey, kid. How are you feeling?" No reaction.

Tony sat back down, Peter's eyes following him. "You were asleep for a good week. I'm glad you're finally up." Silence. "Everyone was worried about you. They're gonna be so relieved." More silence. Tony cleared his throat as he reached for a glass of water on the table. 

"Do you want some water?"

Nothing.

"Does anything hurt? Are you comfortable?"

Still nothing.

"Say something, Peter."

Pure quiet.

"Peter, please," Tony said, hating how he sounded so desperate.

Peter just continued staring at him with the same blank expression.

Tony could feel himself breaking down. He breathed deeply and tried to calm himself but all the emotions were rising to the surface, and he realized once again that he was weaker than he thought and wished to be. 

"Please," he repeated, grabbing Peter's hand, which finally must have set something off because Peter immediately started fighting his fingers out of Tony's grip. Tony let go, hurt crossing his face, and Peter made his hands into fists.

"Do you know who I am?" 

No answer, but Peter did narrow his eyes slightly.

"I'm Tony. Tony Stark."

No response.

"Peter...I don't know what to do or say, I just want you back. Please, please come back. I can't stand this anymore, Peter, I can't...it's too hard, seeing you like this, so I'm begging you, just..."

Nothing nothing nothing.

He groaned loudly and smashed his fists on the desk, knocking over the glass of water. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he bent down to pick up the pieces of the shattered glass.

He made eye contact with his kid again, whose face didn't change a single bit. Still emotionless.

_God, what the hell did they do to him?_

When there was still no reaction from Peter, something in Tony snapped.

He was suddenly overcome with rage, so much of it that it seemed to pretty much cloud his senses. He reached for one of the glass shards, holding it to his skin.

"Tony, I'm Tony! Kid, remember? It's me!"

Nothing.

Tony forced the sharp glass into his arm and dragged it up slightly. He barely felt it.

"Peter, look! Look! I'm hurting myself!"

Nothing, nothing at all.

Tony did it again, over and over again until his left arm was covered in blood, and still, Peter showed no hint of concern or worry or any other emotion. 

"Peter, please," he whispered, wiping his nose on his sleeve. "You would never let me do this!"

Between sobs and vain attempts to speak to Peter, Tony cut into his skin more and more as he switched to his right arm. He didn't feel anything but the pain of his own kid not knowing who he was and not being at all disturbed by the fact that Tony was literally killing himself in front of him. 

Eventually, Tony stopped and dropped the glass. He collapsed to his knees and cried, his sobs echoing around the lab, his own blood spilling onto the floor.

"So weak," he heard somebody mutter.

His head shot up and he looked around, searching for the source, but there was nobody else in the room. He stood up on shaky legs, taking another look around.

"You, you're so weak."

There was no mistaking it...that voice came from Peter.

Tony faced him, taking note of how much firmer and stronger Peter's voice sounded.

But that didn't really matter because _his kid spoke._

And he...insulted Tony.

"Kid-"

"Tony Stark, the Iron Man?" Peter scoffed. "I don't believe it for a second."

Tony was at loss for words. Peter didn't remember a _single_ thing about Tony?

"I-I-"

"You're what, Stark?"

Tony didn't know what to say, his mouth just kind of hanging open.

"When I get out of here, when I am rescued, whoever you people are, you're going to fucking pay for everything you've done. To me and to this world."

"Peter..."

The teenager looked confused for a split second. "Who's Peter?"

Tony felt like he had been punched in the stomach with the force of a wrecking ball. 

_Who's Peter?_

"Y-y-you are..."

"You're a liar."

"No, your name is Peter Benjamin Parker."

"It's not."

"Your aunt's name was May."

"Stop it."

Tony raised his voice. "You live with the Avengers in New York City."

Peter started yelling as well, looking angry as well as panicked. "I said _stop!"_

"You go to Midtown High!"

"You're lying!"

_"You're Spider-Man!"_

Peter hesitated before saying, "I have no goddamn idea who that is, so you're a fucking liar, Tony Stark."

"You know me-"

"I do not-"

"You love me-"

"That's a bunch of bullshit, and I-"

"I'm your mentor, your friend, your-"

"You're NOTHING!"

"I AM YOUR GUARDIAN!" Tony screamed into Peter's face. The boy's expression went soft for a second and it almost seemed like he believed Tony, like he finally remembered. His eyes twinkled as he stared up at the man, frowning. 

And then he started laughing, and a sick smile crept onto his face.

"You're pathetic, Tony Stark. You're a pathetic, attention-seeking-"

"Tony!" somebody screamed behind him. Tony whirled around to see Steve, Natasha, Clint and Bruce all standing in the doorway to the lab, gaping at him. They looked even more terrified as soon as they got a good look at him.

Tony then remembered that his arms and shirt were painted red from all the blood and it was smeared on the white floor.

He turned back to Peter, who looked warier now that there were more people in the room, and just gave it all he had. 

"I'M YOUR GUARDIAN, PETER! I CARE ABOUT YOU AND LOVE YOU AND SOMEWHERE IN THERE YOU KNOW IT!" Tony screamed as Steve and Natasha grabbed him from behind and started pulling him out of the lab.

"I'M YOUR GUARDIAN, PETER PARKER! I AM YOUR FATHER!"

Just before he was forced out of the labs, away from the amazing kid he loved more than life itself, that same kid shouted something at him from across the lab that stung Tony so hard that he didn't think he'd smile ever again.

"You're not my Dad, Stark, and you never fucking will be!"

 

* * *

**Okay okay okay so the Avengers 4 trailer fucking killed me, I'm so depressed but excited at the same time, and we're getting a FAR FROM HOME TRAILER TOMORROW!!!! I can't be more hyped you guys, seriously.**

**I hope you're all having a great day :)**

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**"i can't"**

* * *

 

Steam was practically coming out of Tony's ears as he entered his room and slammed the door shut behind him.

_Peter doesn't remember._

He slid his arms across his desk, knocking everything to the floor. The blood on his arms smeared all across the desk.

_Peter doesn't fucking remember._

He kicked one of his shelves, the objects toppling off.

_Peter hates me and he doesn't know who I am._

Tony stood with his fists clenched, breathing heavily. He grabbed something from the floor, he didn't look to see what it was.

_Peter Parker is gone._

He launched the object at one of the framed pictures he had on the wall. The glass shattered.

_He's gone and it's all my fucking fault._

He threw something else at another one, and then another, and another. Pieces of broken glass lined the floor next to the wall.

_It's all because of me._

Tony stopped as his eyes settled on the picture that he and Peter took two months after he moved in. He was smiling so wide, he was so happy. And so was Tony. Both of them, just happy.

So simply happy.

Oh, how times have changed.

Tony stared at the picture for a while before smashing his fist into it. The blood emerged immediately, but just like when he cut his arms moments ago, he couldn't feel anything.

He knew he needed medical attention, but he didn't care.

All he could think about was Peter and what he said...

_"You're not my Dad, Stark, and you never fucking will be!"_

Tony fell to his knees and started crying all over again.

"I'm sorry," he muttered between sobs. "I'm so sorry, Peter, I-I know I failed you..."

He stayed like that for a long time, tears flowing down his face and neck. The blood on his right hand pooled on the floor and stained his jeans. His arms were a mess as well. He couldn't imagine what he looked like.

He knew Peter wouldn't remember him. Bruce had told him and he just knew it himself anyways...but something about it actually happening and the way Peter didn't react to Tony cutting himself and then saying all those things...Tony lost all hope.

Tony couldn't imagine how Peter was going to get better. He didn't know how he _himself_ was going to recover.

It seemed impossible.

But he knew exactly what to do. 

Slowly, he stood up on shaky legs. He looked at the mess he made and then left the room. 

He avoided the kitchen and living area so he wouldn't run into anybody else. He headed down the stairs but instead of entering the med bay, he went the other way to the spacious labs.

"FRIDAY," he said through a lump in his throat. "Where are the other HYDRA bases that we've discovered?"

"We currently have two. One in Michigan and one in France."

"Put the coordinates of the Michigan base into my suit." Tony opened up a couple files on the monitors, looking through some data. He checked what they still had available in their arsenal. "Have A-32 through A-73 follow me as soon as I leave. Oh, and the I.L. They're ready, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"Wonderful." 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**"don't just give up"**

* * *

 

Tony viciously hurled yet another man across the room that rushed at him with a gun. He hit a wall and Tony could hear the sickening sound of bones breaking. He watched the body collapse on the floor and not get up.

Somebody threw a grenade, and in turn, Tony launched a rocket. The room exploded in fire and smoke. Screams of pain and fear filled the space and echoed off the metal walls. Tony moved further into the compound. He smashed another man's skull with his fists. He melted one's face off with his repulsors. He blew them up and shot them down and crushed them under his feet.

Tony didn't hesitate once.

Finally, he reached what seemed like the main part of the compound. Lots of monitors and controls and technology, along with people busily working. As soon as he entered, all hell broke loose. The alarm was set off long before that, so they knew he was coming, but they must have been trying to send their information off and delete it or destroy their tech.

Tony didn't let them finish. He shot every single person in that room except for one, who among all the chaos was desperately trying to accomplish something on one of the computers. Tony flew above all the bodies on the ground and grabbed the man by the neck. 

He forcefully shoved him against a wall and watched with strange satisfaction as the man frantically tried to get Tony's hands from around his neck. Tony only gripped harder. "What the hell did you do to Peter Parker?" 

He said it in a low, threatening voice. The man's blue eyes widened even further. He looked confused, and then as if he was about to faint. Tony gave him some air.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Tony yelled. "Tell me or else I'm going to burn your skin off." There was no remorse in his voice.

"Go-go to hell," the man snarled at him. Tony growled and dropped him. He started coughing and wheezing wildly, holding his bruised throat. Tony looked at the computer he was working on. It most likely contained any information he wanted. 

Before he could move, though, the man said with a raspy voice, "You're a murderer, Tony Stark. That damn kid was better off with HYDRA than with you!"

Without another word, Tony brought his foot down on the man's neck and shot his repulsors at him. The man didn't make any more sounds.

Tony didn't look. He stepped out of his suit and sent thanks to whoever was still listening to him up there that the computer was still functional. He navigated through lots of different files, and many of them were missing. They must have succeeded in getting rid of some of their information. 

Eventually, Tony decided to just look up "Peter Parker" in the search bar. One folder popped up. Tony opened it and a thousand other items were revealed. Pictures, documents, separate folders. It was insane how many things they had on him. It just made Tony angrier.

"FRIDAY," he said to his suit. "Upload this folder on Peter and save it so I can look it over at home."

"Yes, sir." 

While FRIDAY was busy with that, Tony tried searching up "Avengers." There was also one folder, but it didn't contain as many things as the Peter one did. Tony instructed FRIDAY to save this one as well, and then he deleted both of them from the computer. He scrolled through some of the other folders the computer had, but there were too many to look at individually. Most of them seemed like medical reports, anyways, so Tony wiped the entire hard drive.

When he was done, he took another look at the room. He scanned all the bloody and broken bodies on the floor, lifeless. A lump formed in his throat. 

_They deserved to die. What they did to Peter was unforgivable and they deserved every single thing they got._

_But..._

_What would Peter think?_

Tears materialized in Tony's eyes at the image of Peter's horrified face if he found out that Tony murdered all these people, even if they deserved it, and how gruesomely he did it. Without any fear or sorrow. 

 _I'm doing it for Peter,_ he told himself. _It's all for him because I love him. I'm doing this for him, all for-_

Tony's knees gave out and he collapsed, covering his face with his hands as sobs racked his body. He never cried as hard as he did that night. He didn't know why exactly he was crying. Maybe for Peter, maybe for the people he brutally murdered, maybe for his team, for dragging them all into this mess. Everything, not just what happened with Peter.

Everything was always his fault. Every. Single. Damn. Thing. People got hurt because of him everywhere he went. People had to deal with him and his bullshit. Peter would be perfectly fine if it weren't for him. Peter would be fine if Tony didn't ask him to fight with him, _for_ him, if he didn't throw Peter in his and Steve's business. He would be fine if Tony didn't make him an Avenger.

He'd be fine if he was just left alone. 

Tony eventually got up, wiped his tear-stained face and got back into his suit. He did a quick sweep of the HYDRA base and made sure that no one was alive. It didn't matter, though, he realized. This base wasn't going to exist after he left. 

He looked up at the Iron Legion as he flew out of the building. They were floating in place, twenty of them, waiting for Tony's command. They started the attack by dropping bombs. Now, they were going to end it by shooting missiles.

Tony lined up beside them and stared down at the smoking HYDRA base. It wasn't even recognizable anymore.

He lifted his gaze and looked out at the plains. The sun shone brightly and illuminated the area, making everything shine. It was so different from the concrete jungle that was New York City. So much more peaceful. Michigan was truly beautiful.

"Shoot," Tony whispered, but it was enough. He kept his eyes on the horizon as the sound of explosions and the smell of smoke came once again. He closed his eyes and tried to block it out.

When it was over, Tony refused to look at the base, like he refused to look at the man back in the control room. He knew what it would look like, and that it was his doing. He just wanted to leave it behind.

It would just be an ugly memory, meant to be forgotten.

_Maybe a little bit like me._

\------

**Ahhh I'm so sorry for the wait! I've had exams for the past week or two and I didn't have any time to write, but now that I have a little more of it, I'm going to be writing more. However I think I'm going to start writing shorter chapters, but more often, as opposed to long chapters and less frequently.**

**Anyways thanks for reading!!!**

**THJSE_13**


	17. Chapter 17

  **"...you love me, don't you?"**

* * *

 Tony's hands were shaking.

He'd killed people before, people that deserved what they got. It wasn't new to him.

But his recent vulnerability mixed with the fact that he had snapped peoples' necks with his bare hands and crushed their bones and murdered them without a second thought was more troubling than he thought it would be. He repeatedly saw the eyes of terrified men looking back at him as he choked them, as he ended their life. Without feeling anything. 

_No, you did it for Peter. They destroyed him and deserved everything that they got._

And as Tony watched his kid sleep from outside the lab, he kept telling himself that same thing over and over again. He was trying to make himself feel better, but he also wondered what Peter would have thought if he was here. _Really_ here. Would he see Tony differently? Would he know that Tony did it out of love and care for him?

Tony's chin trembled at the image of Peter's horrified expression at the discovery that Tony murdered hundreds of people in cold blood. Tears gathered in his eyes and he quickly wiped them away.

He was taken out of his thoughts when footsteps echoed down the hall. He looked to his left to see Bruce storming over to him, his hair dishevelled and his face angry.

"Did I see what I think I saw out there?" he asked in a loud whisper. Tony opened his mouth to answer but no sound came out. Bruce's eyes skipped down to Tony's arms, which were still covered in the cuts from earlier and his own dried blood. Plus, the crimson red of _hundreds_ _-_

Bruce took Tony's left arm in his hands. "This is going to get infected, where did you go? I need to treat this-"

"It's fine," Tony interrupted, wrenching away his limb. "It doesn't even hurt." Which was true.

The billionaire started walking away from Bruce, sparing one more sad look at Peter before he disappeared out of sight.

"Tony!" Bruce called to him as he strolled out of the labs. "Hey, I'm talking to you!"

Tony was trying to ignore him and hoped he would leave him alone. He didn't care to explain anything.

The scientists finally got in front of Tony and stopped him in his tracks. He glared at him. "What do you want?"

The scientist threw his arms up in frustration and confusion and took a step closer to Tony. "What the Hell is the Iron Legion doing here?"

Tony shrugged. "I don't know what you mean."

"I saw them fly in. You destroyed those suits a long time ago. You got rid of them."

"Yeah, and then I made them again. What's the big deal?" He started making his way back out into the common area of the compound.

"When did you construct them? Why didn't you tell us? And where were you? Where'd you take them? And why didn't you come to me so I could fix your arms? Look at you! Where did you go?"

"Slow down, will you? I...manufactured the suits again some time ago. I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react this way."

"Tony, I thought you destroyed those suits because-"

"-because I didn't need them then. Because I found myself. Because I realized that my suits of armour weren't what defined my strength, and I don't need them to protect me. Yeah, well, maybe that's what changed."

Bruce stood frozen and silent for a minute, processing what he was told. "Where did you go?"

"It's none of your business."

"Considering that I work and live with you, I think it is my business."

"I just..." Tony sighed. He thought for a moment before saying, "I just went out to fly around for a little bit. I stopped the bleeding and needed some time alone."

"With the Iron Legion?"

Tony was silent for a moment, and then he sighed deeply. "Fine. I went...I went to get some information on Peter."

"From where?"

Tony tensed. He wished Bruce wasn't so nosy. "It-I just-it doesn't matter, okay? What matters is now I can actually figure out what happened to him."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"Tony-"

"Hey, Bruce," Steve said as he entered the room. "We're all going to go look for-"

He saw Tony standing at the kitchen counter and his eyes widened. "You're back...where were-oh, Tony, your arms. Why didn't you get them treated?! Where the Hell did you go off to?"

"Nowhere."

 "Stark-"

"Leave me alone, _Rogers."_

They stared at each other for a long time until Bruce broke the tense silence.

"Okay, Tony, I'm gonna go get some medicine and I'll be right back, okay?" He jogged back to the labs.

"Wh-"

"Steve, please. I just want everyone to leave me be so I can focus on finding out what they did to Peter.

Steve raised his eyebrows. He gazed at Tony for a few more seconds, waiting to see if he was going to elaborate. He didn't.

Instead, he washed his arms at the sink. He started shaking again as the water turned red, taking off evidence of Tony's breakdown.

_Those terrified eyes, those sounds...the screams and the snaps of bone, the feeling of how easy and satisfying it was to kill every single-_

Tony clenched his teeth and rubbed at the remaining blood to get it off. Bruce cleaned and stitched up his cuts, shaking his head as he did so. Steve just inspected Tony with sorrowful eyes.

They both left him alone after that. Bruce didn't mention the Iron Legion, although he gave Tony a look that meant that he was not going to stop until he finds out what was going on.

Tony made himself a coffee and sat down at the table with his laptop. He waited, sipping his favourite drink, for FRIDAY to upload all the information. He watched the files appear and disappear as new ones took their place. God, there were so many. He knew he'd be there for a while if he wanted to get through all of them, which he did. If there were any answers to Peter's strange and mysterious situation, they were going to be there.

The files finished uploading and he asked FRIDAY to sort them all out. She made three separate folders. Pictures, videos, and written reports. He braced himself and took a deep breath.

He wished he had never looked in those folders.


	18. Chapter 18

**"i always have"**

* * *

 

_Sam? Rhodey?_

_Anybody there?_

_Anybody listening?_

_Natasha? Wanda? Bruce?_

_Anyone there? Listening?_

_Bucky?_

_Where are you?_

_Steve?_

_He was never there._

_Tony?  
_

_Tony..._

_Tony?_

_Are you there?_

_Of course not. No one is ever here, nor will they ever be._

_I'm a burden, a heavy weight._

_They don't need me, and I don't need them._

_\---_

_I might as well go back to HYDRA._

_HYDRA._

_HYDRA is good._

_Right?_

_Yeah. They fixed me._

_I'm better thanks to them._

_Everyone was better off._

_Tony was happier without me. I should leave._

_He never cared about me._

They _never cared._

_They lied._

_They hated me._

_Who was I to step into their life like that?_

_I'm a worthless prick that nobody ever wants._

_\---_

_Poor May, having to deal with me for so long._

_Poor...poor Ned and MJ._

_Poor everybody who I've ever spoken a word to._

_Such a waste._

_HYDRA was right._

_I should've killed myself a long time ago. No one needs me._

_\---_

_I hate Tony._

_But I don't?_

_I do. He's a selfish liar._

_He was like the rest of them._

_Steve was an asshole._

_He never gave a shit, just like everybody else._

_\---_

_Why am I alive?_

_I need HYDRA._

_I need it so badly._

_They gave me a purpose._

_Here I am nothing._

_Nothing._

_At all._

_I wish it were different._

_\---_

_If only..._

_Oh, if only..._

_If only._


End file.
